The New Chapter of Lyn

Pinching myself again :)

2011-10-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

Time for another update ... given I've been pretty slack in this department.

Pregnancy is going really well, now almost half way at 19wks and morning sickness mostly over with. Our scan is set for next week so hopefully we can find out what sex this little jellybean is :)

It's certainly different being pregnant 10yrs older and I'm noticing the tiredness kicking in more this time round. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm doing nightshifts this time. I still love my job although I miss Craig so much when I have to work nights and I struggle keeping myself going at 4am in the morning.

I've been negotiating a few changes in my job which has been a bit tricky. But it's officially been accepted by the big bosses. I've scored myself a 'job share' roster with another guy at Botany station, which happens to be just down the road. This means that instead of doing 2 days/2 nights/4 days off ... I'll now be doing 2 day shifts/6 days off until I go onto maternity leave (somewhere around the end of January). The guy I'm sharing my job with will do the other 2 days/6 days off (he runs a part time business as well). Botany station is a day only station so no nightshifts anymore... yay!!! The down sides is that they won't cover me on maternity leave part time so when I leave to have baby I have to go back to my old relief full time roster and the other guy I'm job sharing with has to find a replacement for me or go back full time. This means the job share won't be there when I come back (in a years time) but it's good for now and I'm possibly thinking of not coming back (still thinking on that one)

The only other down side is that my salary gets cut in half but the coolest thing happened ... at the same time we were negotiating this job share with my bosses, Craig was negotiating his contract with AirNewZealand and got sprung with a surprise payrise ... exactly the same amount of money that I would be losing on my pay going down and his payrise comes into effect exactly the same day my new contract starts on the 12 November, meaning we'll have the same amount ... how cool is that??!! Yet again someone upstairs is looking out for us :)

When I leave my job obviously we'll have to take a cut in income but at least now its only half the amount of what we thought, which will help out with buying baby stuff in the meantime.

The house is still fantastic!! We are loving the gardening! I've never done gardening before as we've never had the space or been renting. The kids planted out their very own gardens last weekend and are loving seeing their seeds poke through and growing madly. This place has fantastic sun and is so warm, compared to our old cold hole. The indoor/outdoor flow is wonderful with 3fold ranch sliders that pull right back from the family/kitchen to a BBQ area ... love it! love it! love it!

I still keep pinching myself when I see my life now compared to the heartache I went through a few years back. Craig is the man of my dreams and is such a complete sweetheart!!! Everything I went through was completely worth it, just to be with Craig!!

Updates ....

2011-07-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if anyone still checks up on my blog, but I have some news ;)

We are in the process of buying a new house. Some of you may remember when I lost my beloved house my ex and I built back 7yrs ago. I cried for 6wks when Bill decided we were selling. It was the start of the end of our marriage. Things went downhill from there, Bill's drinking went from bad to worse and we ended up almost backrupt only saved by the fact that my parents helped me out with giving me a $60,000 loan in which I am still paying off the remainder. I walked out of my marriage in debt with just the clothes I owned, my laptop and my car. But the best decision I could have ever made. I lived 7yrs of hell over that time!!

And as you all know I went through another relationship with a 'christian' man that nearly broke me!! When I left Bill regardless of everything that had happened I still had my integrity, but Michael tried to break that, telling me I was a bad person.

I finally had enough of feeling horrible about myself and kicked him out....

Then Craig came into my life ... I never knew life could be like this!! He still continues to treat me like the most precious gift from God. We are inseperable, and are still as much in love as the first moment we laid eyes on eachother. He still gives me a foot rub when I get home from a long day at work. He says he is completely blessed in recieving the 'whole package' ... 4 adorable kids that he never thought he would ever have the priveledge of being part of!!

Craig was married for 13yrs like me and had a wife who had an anger and control problem. She refused to let him have any contact with his mother, siblings or friends. He became a recluse and his self esteem was at an all time low when he relised he was thinking thoughts of ending it all. At that stage he walked out on her, with her parting words of "you have no right to end this marriage, how dare you!" Where he fled from Auckland to Christchurch for the next 2yrs.

22yrs ago, before his marriage, he was living with a girl. As an 18yr old he wasn't thinking about contraception and was surprised that over the time he lived with this girl that she never got pregnant. When they broke up she went straight into a relationship with another man and immediately got pregnant. Craig wondered to himself if something was wrong with his sperm and went off to get himself tested. The results came back ... 98% dead sperm, only 2% of his sperm was alive and of that 2% all were very sedantary (didn't swim very well) and was told at the age of 18 that he would never be able to father a child without the help of IVF and even then it would be highly unlikely. He grieved but accepted at that young age that he would never have a child of his own. And over his marriage of 13yrs he remained childless.

So when he met me with 4 children already, he thought his dreams had all come true at once. And here I was thinking I was a burden as a solo mum of four. Over the past year I've been with Craig I have found out what love really is ... complete, unjudgemental, giving and satisfying true love!!!

Over the stress of the past few weeks of buying this home, in trying to get finance, builders reports, LIM reports, dealing with bank managers, accountants and lawyers, emotions were elevated for me and I was finding myself crying a little more than usual. And it was wearing me out with me often falling asleep on the couch at 6pm. When I get under a little stress (altho really this was nothing compared to what I've been through in previous years) my period often is late or sometimes fails to arrive...

... you can all guess where this is going?? ....

... 8 days late and I made a instictive decision to do a pregnancy test after work one night ... and ... YES!! I'M PREGNANT!!!! On telling Craig, he was like a exploding firecracker, unable to contain his excitement!!! In tears he told me he never thought this would EVER be a possibility!!!! A complete medical miracle!!! I don't know how or why but we're enjoying this amazing gift of God!!! The kids are ecstatic, with the boys screaming in excitement and Lauren bursting into tears of joy! Craig's mum was speachless, gobsmacked and squealed at the thought of finally having another grandchild and sooooo happy for us! (her only other 2 grandchildren are teenagers and all grown up)

My parents were also extremelly excited for us, infact I've never heard my mother like that!! Lots of tears of joy and squeals of 'yay!!'!!!

So herein starts the next chapter ... it's been 10yrs since I was last pregnant and I'm so looking forward to it all!! Yes even the morning sickness ;) (which fortunately hasn't started yet)

For those of you who are on Facebook, I need to keep this quiet for now on there as alot of my work colleagues are on there and I need to talk to my boss first ... mum's the word ;)

Who would have thought this happily ever after story would end like this????

Still here :)

2011-05-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive ... and LOVING married life!! I just adore my wonderful man!!! I'm back on the weightloss wagon again after a weighin back from honeymoon of 109.6!! eek!! lol ... but enjoying being back in control of my eating again, with 4.5kgs lost in 4wks.

For now I'm probably not going to blog much about my weightloss ... my life is crazy busy with just being accepted onto the Paramedic degree course ... part time while continueing to work full time doing the job I still love!!

So everything is going fantastically well even tho really busy.

I won't close this blog as I still want to be able to pop in every now and then to say hi and give any exciting news ... but for now it's taking a back step.

Love you guys!!

Temporary blog

2011-03-07T06:36:00.000-08:00

Quick update to let you all know, yay we got married, it was a fantastic day and we are currently touring Italy on honeymoon!! Having a blast of a time!!

Craig and I have done a travel blog giving updates on our honeymoon through europe. The blog address is www.craigandlyn.blogspot.com ... feel free to have a read if you wish. So I'll be updating on there instead of here while we're away :)

bad day

2011-02-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

I'm completely selfish ... the most amazing day of my life in 3 days is now in jepardy ... by an earthquake in christchurch. My initial shock and concern for Craig's family down there, whom we've found out are safe. My next shock, airports closed.. hoping they can make it to be able to still fly up on Thursday, ... next ... national air traffic control based in christchurch closed, putting the possibility of us flying out to Italy on Saturday at risk.... all of this we can deal with ... travel insurance will cover all of that ....

... the finality that I'm struggling with ... a phone call from my sister in Hamilton (paramedic) that all of their staff on leave have been called back to work so that other staff can go down to help in Christchurch ... and Auckland is next on the list ... so I'm on knife edge waiting to hear if my wedding day will be called off for me to go back to work.

My emotions are so mixed ... my guilt is plagueing me ... this was supposed to be my big day .. so much planning gone in preparation ... along with the feelings that all those people are devastated with the events of today ... lives lost ... and when it comes down to it of course I will be there to help, no questions asked ... just stink that it happens to be on my wedding day!!!

The story of Lyn and Craig

2011-02-19T23:10:00.000-08:00

Five days to go before the most amazing day I will ever experience!! You are all invited to share in this moment if you would like. Under the pohutakawa tree at Cockle Bay, Howick at 4pm on Friday, the 25th of February, 2011 ... I will marry my sweetheart and soul mate .... Craig I love you!!!

~ The Story of Lyn & Craig ~

The very same week Lyn moved to Auckland after separating from her husband,... Craig also moved AWAY from Auckland to Christchurch, after separating from his wife. Neither of them having any idea that their soul mate was so close in crossing their path.

2yrs would pass while both Craig and Lyn would spend the time grieving and healing. In the tears of the moments over the following 2yrs, Lyn’s mum told her that her dad had a prophetic word for her... “while the past was her Ishmael, God had an Isaac for her sometime down the track, that he felt that she would find him in church” ... Christ’s church??

At a time that Craig finally felt ready to start dating again, he went to his Pastor for prayer and together they prayed for Craig’s spouse to be shown to him. Without this knowledge Lyn had joined a dating website and discouraged by the lack of suitable Christian men in Auckland, she expanded her search in a moment of ‘weakness’ to include other areas of New Zealand. Knowing full well that her search was crazy ... why look outside of Auckland when long distance relationships are impossible!?

One Saturday afternoon in June of 2010 she came across a profile of an interesting looking Christian man who lived in Christchurch. One sentence in his profile caught her eye “Must be imperfect” After a few ‘judgemental’ experiences this seemed like a breath of fresh air. With a deep breath, she sent off a smile to ‘Mr Macaroni’ who just so happened to be online at that very time ... being one day after the prayer made by his Pastor. Craig was also intrigued by Lyn’s profile and returned the smile, even though ‘Auckland profiles’ were far outside his criteria. There was no way Craig was ever going to go back to that Auckland place!!

That afternoon 4 or 5 messages were passed back and forth. The final message from Lyn asking what his actual name was (rather than just his online profile name of “macaroni”), just before leaving to go to work on a busy Manukau nightshift. On arriving at work Lyn told her workmate of this fascinating man she had found online. On hearing that he was from Christchurch she was told she was crazy and proceeded to hear for half an hour about the pitfalls of falling for someone on the other end of the country. The likelihood of actually having a chemistry connection with them regardless of how well you got on was incredibly unlikely!!

Cautiously, but inwardly excited Lyn waited for Craig’s next message.

The next morning she checked her messages ... hoping for Craig’s reply ... nothing ... waiting ... another day passed ... 2 days ... 3 days ... Then surprised and disappointed she decided that obviously it wasn’t to be. Then out of the blue ... a message!! Craig apologising that he hadn’t checked his messages for a few days with being so busy at work. “Phew!! I thought I’d scared you off by asking what your name was”

An immediate rapport developed when they both found out they were Pastor’s kids. Both agreeing that while they got on so well, nothing could ever develop more than that, given the huge 1700km distance between them. But before long, only a couple of weeks, both Craig and Lyn would each finish their work day and race home to go online for one more moment/minute, turning into hours, to chat online.

Then came the dare from Lyn, for Craig to take the next step and call her on the phone. Not believing for one moment that he would actually take her up on it. All communication to that point had been typed. While typing her next message to him the phone began to ring... it couldn’t be!??!!

“Hello???”

“Hi ........ this is Craig”

... then the longest gap and hysterical laughter followed ... Lyn was gobsmacked and stunned for words!!

An appointment time was made ... video skype ... 2pm on Sunday afternoon. While we both had seen photos of each other, video was a daunting next step. Hooking up the webcams and hearing the sound of ‘call coming in’ another moment of nervous laughter followed. Once the initial tension was broken we continued to get on so well ... laughing and talking to all hours of the early morning, day after day. Video skype became our staple diet. And snapshots taken by each other during our skype chats got us through till the next stolen moment of conversation. After a very short time Lyn realised that the 3GB bandwidth she had was not nearly going to be enough ... used up after just 5 days!! Lyn increasing hers to 30GB and Craig went from 10GB to 80GB!!

This was not to be the only increased cost of love!! Mobile topups went through the roof with Craig’s mobile phone bill now reaching the $180 a month!!! After so much investment in four weeks, the obvious next step was to meet in person. Craig organised to fly up to Auckland to meet this mysterious internet profile to see if she was actually the same in real life as she appeared to be online.

While Lyn was outside looking at the neighbouring Pohutakawa tree that God often spoke to her through she looked up to see a perfectly symmetrical rainbow exactly overtop of her favourite tree and the words came from DaddyGod above ... “My banner over you is love” ... exactly the words she needed to hear giving her heart to a man on the other side of the country!

The flight booked and meeting place organised ... ‘the coffee club’ in Manukau. Needing to be somewhere neutral and knowing full well how meeting for the first time at an airport would just not work, Craig agreed to Lyn’s cafe suggestion. Craig’s first taste of Lyn’s cheekiness followed. Hearing the disappointment in his voice at Lyn not being at the airport when he arrived, she quietly chuckled to herself.

As Craig walked around the corner at the airport and made the way down the long flight of stairs he happened to glance up and saw a “vision of beauty and loveliness, she was the most stunning woman he had ever seen and he instantly fell in love” Both of them stunned in the moment, Craig’s hands shaking and Lyn not being able to utter a single word. A hug and suggestion of coffee broke the ice. Two coffees later and they were off to have some fun at Rainbow’s End Themepark, the perfect first date!!

Without realising it a themepark couldn’t have been a better choice for a first date. They just had fun and talked lots, and laughed, ending the day with a new sparkle in their eye for eachother. Love at first sight was definitely true for both of them. Time flew by and before they knew it, it came time for Craig to board his plane home again. With tears shed (of course not infront of eachother) they hugged goodbye and Lyn watched Craig walk back up those stairs until their next planned time together a week later. This would become a definite downside to the long distance. Lyn began to hate airports and the drive back home again after saying goodbye was always filled with sadness.

As Craig was picked up by Andrew his brother in Christchurch, the first words out of his mouth to his brother was “I’ve just met my soul mate, I’m going to marry her!!”

The next weekend Craig flew to Auckland again, given the success of the last weekend. This time they made the decision to meet the kids and Lyn’s parents. What were we thinking?? Interestingly, we made the meeting point of Craig meeting his ‘inlaws’ to be “Butterfly Creek”!! Looking back Craig says thats just how he felt ... in Butterfly Creek, stomach going crazy with the hugest butterflys!! And in the typical nervous Craig way ... he hardly said a word!! Hardly the way to make an impression .. but he clearly did, as Lyn’s parents didn’t tell her to run for the hills.

The next day was spent on a ‘relaxing day skiing at SnowPlanet’ ... part way through the day Craig took a fall on his efforts to impress his new girlfriend with his fancy ski moves. As he arrived at the bottom of the slope mentioning to Lyn of his side back pain she showed her huge amount of ambulance compassion ... “really? Ahhh you’ll be alright” And Craig chose to bite his lip and keep going.

The next day was ‘meet the kids’ day with a picnic at Mission Bay. The kids impression?? ... “He looks like John Keys!!!” Craig didn’t eat much due to his nagging back pain, making Lyn feel uncomfortable that her new boyfriend refused to eat. With his mention of this pain they called in to buy some more pain relief on the way home. While watching a dvd Craig just could not get comfortable, and they both talked about going to the local A&E to get it investigated but given his flight back to Christchurch that night, it was postponed.

Craig got back to Christchurch and continued on with work, choosing to ignore the nagging back pain. One night it just got too much and he drove himself to the local hospital. Lyn got a call the next morning to let her know he was in Christchurch hospital with a perforated kidney, complete with blood in his urine!!! Now that’s how to make one feel bad!! At least Paracetamol and Nurifen was offered!! Lol!

Craig started to feel like Auckland was his only ‘home’ given that was where his heart was and the love of his life. The next 5mths were centred around the next available ‘grab-a-seat’ flight and Jetstar certainly made some money off of them. They managed to work out time together through flying from Christchurch to Auckland and vice versa, with the largest gap being an enormous 14 days, both deciding that was far too long!!! Even though video skype filled the gaps, that wasn’t enough anymore.

One long nightshift in a crazy 3am moment Lyn had a spur of the moment idea to fly to Christchurch to surprise Craig straight after working all night. She went online and found a cheap flight leaving in 6hrs!! Arriving home at 7am she rang her sister to organise for her to come up from Hamilton to look after the kids, packed her bags and caught a very expensive taxi (costing as much as the flight to Christchurch) to the airport and by 9am she was on a flight to see her man, with caffeine filled coffees on board to keep her eyes open after not having slept for the previous 24hrs. Even catching a wink of sleep on the plane didn’t happen due to her excitement of seeing the shock on the face of Craig when he saw her in person.

Once in Christchurch, she navigated herself to the centre city by bus, not quite knowing how to get to Craig’s house. While waiting for the next bus her phone rang. It was Craig wanting to know how her day was going. “Where are you?? I can hear really loud noises in the background!” “Ohhh ... Ummm ... I’m out organising a surprise for you” Hoping that would be enough information for him to stop asking any more questions.

Lyn eventually arrived at Craig’s house at 1pm and couldn’t get hold of Andrew, Craig’s brother, her only way of getting in his house. So she made herself as comfortable as possible on the back step and waited for Craig to finish work ... 4hrs later!!!! She conceded that concrete is very difficult to sleep on and not a wink was had. As she heard the front door unlock Lyn snuck around the front and knocked on the door... The door opened and Craig was lost for words ... again!! “what??!! ... what... what are you doing here???!!!?” His face beaming at the sight of his girlfriend standing infront of him, instead of where she was supposed to be ... on the skype screen in Auckland. The lack of sleep for 36hrs and the 4hr wait on the back step was definitely worth it for that one moment of seeing his face!!

One particular day Craig got sick and went home from work. While skyping we made a spirit of the moment decision to see if there were any flights available and he could fly up to Auckland for a few days. There was one flight arriving 7am in the morning on Jetstar... perfect!! But not to end up as perfect as we thought. Lyn arrived at the airport in good time and as she walked into the arrival lounge saw on the Jetstar notice boards that his flight was delayed due to heavy fog in Auckland. After speaking to the Jetstar staff she learnt that the flight had taken off from Christchurch but that they were circling in the air somewhere around Raglan waiting for a gap in the fog to be able to land. Lyn was frustrated at seeing Air New Zealand planes landing and taking off but not Jetstar’s. Apparently Jetstar does not have fog landing equipment, like AirNewZealand’s ones. 3hrs later Lyn got a phone call from Craig ... he was in Wellington!!!! Jetstar had flown back to Wellington to refuel and supposedly be back in the air in half an hour to try again. Lyn frantically started praying for the fog to clear, hoping for a miracle. Then within half an hour the fog cleared and the sun came out ... planes started landing and Lyn excitedly waited for an update as to when her man would finally be landing ... even though it was now around 2pm, but better late than never... famous last words!!

Unbeknown to her the pilot made an announcement on Craig’s plane while they were in the air towards Auckland that due to the fog still being in Auckland they would be cancelling the flight and turning around to fly back to Christchurch. Around the same time the Jetstar board updated Craig’s flight as being “cancelled”!! And a phonecall from Craig confirmed this as he landed back in Christchurch at 5pm, 10hrs of flying up and down the country and ending up no closer to where his heart wanted him to be. And to top it off Lyn left the airport paying a $35 parking fee, without Craig!!

This experience gave Craig itchy feet and the need to be back in Auckland again, permanently. This commuting was just too hard. So we prayed that God would show us a sign if it was infact in His will for him to be in Auckland.

The very next day Craig mentioned to his boss that one day in the future he may be looking to move up to the big smoke to be with this new love of his life. And in the same day out of the blue an email arrived from someone who knew nothing of this new romance. “Not sure what you’re up to but wondering if you are interested in a job in Auckland, call me” Along with this, DaddyGod chose to confirm our gutt feeling with the current ‘word for today’ being “Genesis 12:1 ... Now the Lord said to Abraham ‘Get out of your country, from your family and from your father’s house, to a land that I will show you” Given Craig’s father came from Christchurch this was a sure sign to us both that God’s timing was now, even sooner than we envisaged. Originally Lyn and Craig had talked about Craig moving to Auckland at the end of the year ... but November was good, no complaints there ... If God is moving the pieces then who are we to complain J

Then a slight amount of doubt entered in to our heads, understandably so ... so God chose to again show a verse to Craig the following week in his bible reading ... “Hebrews 11:8 By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not know where he was going” Now there was no question where God wanted Craig to be. As to how it would happen would be interesting to see, which we were soon to find out.

Without notice Craig was informed by his boss in Christchurch that while he was imperative to their project his boss had advertised his position with the impending leaving of Craig to Auckland. Clearly Craig’s boss had seen the love in Craig’s eyes and knew it was only a matter of time.

Over the next week everything snowballed and following Lyn and Craig’s simple prayer to DaddyGod for Him to show a bit of direction, everything was put into place. Seven job offers for Craig in Auckland and a finish date ... it was all happening!!

The decision chosen after some fine negotiating and Craig had job with a substantial payrise and dates to work on... First week in November Craig was moving to Auckland to be with her girl. Lyn organised for the week off and a fantastic roadtrip organised. Lyn would fly to Christchurch and drive up with Craig to the next chapter in their wonderful future together.

There was so much to organise. Now that Craig’s job was organised, he needed a place to live. We had made the decision before God that we would not have sex before marriage, so that meant Craig finding a unit to rent in the meantime. That in the short term proved to be a slight issue. Every place we found that was a slight possibility in renting had sometimes 50 or more other applicants applying for the same rental property. We couldn’t even get a look in, with the 20 or more places we looked at. Out of the blue Lyn’s mother rang to say that she felt God telling her that Craig needed to buy a property rather than rent. In her words “what would be better than the perfect rental property? Having one to own!” Up until this point that hadn’t even entered our minds but it seemed like the perfect solution. So we both sat down and prayed about it.

Within a couple of days we made contact with an agent about a property we found on trademe. She was surprised about our enquiry because the property wasn’t supposed to be even listed anymore, as the owners had withdrawn the sale a few months ago. She decided to reapproach them with our interest and they came back saying that yes, they were willing to consider an offer. So an offer was made and within 24hrs of making contact with the agent we had an agreement, and a 2wk settlement ... in perfect time for Craig’s immonent arrival ... to the day ... only as God would have it perfectly planned!

While they knew they had so much in common together, the road trip concreted this in their hearts. So much in common... cafe’s, triple shot mochas, art galleries, photography, finishing eachother’s sentences, travel, Italy, pasta, nature, dislike of conflict in public, computer games, favourite tv programmes, and a great relationship with our DaddyGod without the need for religious pomp!!

On our departure we heard the weather forcast was for storms ... one at the bottom of the country and one at the top. Where we were was perfect blue sky and as we travelled up the country we watched the storm clouds follow us from the south but never reaching us... blue skies all the way!!

We had an amazing 10 days together on our roadtrip and absolutely loved eachothers company every single minute! Including an impromptu moment as we arrived in Wellington not realising it was Guy Fawkes. As we booked in to our accomadation the receptionist asked us if we were here for the huge fireworks display on the waterfront. Not our original plan but God allowed us to watch an amazing display that night, finished by a romantic dinner for two.

Over the next month Craig became certain of the future, getting to know Lyn’s kids with an amazing ease. They immediately clicked with him, showing excitement at everytime he turned up. Craig’s non-history of childrearing was nowhere to be seen.

It was decided in Craig’s mind that he wanted to propose to this perfect woman God had given him. So he purchased a ring which burned a hole in his pocket for the next month, until he found the perfect opportunity to ask Lyn’s parents for their permission to marry their daughter.

The day was decided in Craig’s mind that he would travel to Hamilton with Lyn’s children while she was at work. Ringing them to make sure they would be home at the time. The night before Craig was feeling rather nervous as expected and during prayer time Lyn suggested we pray that her dad would be told of Craig’s proposition and be forewarned to make it easier.

On arrival in Hamilton Craig found Lyn’s mum to be home but her dad was out at a church working bee and not due home for the next couple of hours. So he filled in the time with polite coffee and chitchat while his heart pounded in nervousness, unbeknown to Margaret, Lyn’s mum.

On Merv’s arrival home he had another coffee with Craig, lunch and proceeded to turn on the cricket, which Craig knew (from Lyn’s stories) could last hours!! Then out of the blue the tv was off and gave Craig the opportunity to ask his future father-in-law for a tour of his vege garden. While inspecting Merv’s delicious looking broccoli he had a moment of honesty, telling Merv of his anterior motives in driving to Hamilton, that he wanted to marry his daughter. Before he could say anything further Merv interrupted Craig to say “Yeah I already knew you were gonna ask me that” Craig’s jaw dropped .. Merv continued “ God told me last night, that’s what you were coming down for, to ask me for Lynette’s hand in marriage” Craig still stunned, Merv followed by saying they were very happy for that and they both walked inside to tell Margaret of the good news. “Margaret, I was right!! Craig wants to marry Lynette!!” To which Margaret exclaimed “let’s break out the champagne!!” with hushes with not wanting the kids to know yet. And Craig drove home with a humongous grin on his face much to Lauren’s intrigue.

Craig had it planned a week later to pop the question ... but ended up being two later, he could wait no longer. He offered to give Lyn a sleepin, while he took her kids to school before going to work. At 10am Lyn got up and txt Craig to thank him for the sleep and let him know she was now awake. The reply came back with “how would you feel if I brought lunch home?”

“LOL!! Ok??”

“great! I’ll see you in half an hour!”

Lyn’s suspicions were aroused when Craig turned up in jeans and a t-shirt in his car, instead of his normal business shirt/trousers and on his motorbike. He advised her that she might want to go get ready because he was taking her out for a picnic.

Calling into a cafe for her favourite triple-shot mocca and proceeding through her favourite gardens Craig set up his picnic rug and pulled out the ‘sugar-free redbulls and sought-after apple mizones’ then followed by an amazing array of entree’s. At this point Lyn became VERY suspicious!!! (Okay, I think I know what’s goin on here) ... main’s ... a blanketload of salads and meats that we couldn’t finish ... then dessert, including my favourite fejoa lollies ... all my little treats Craig had learnt about in the previous 7mths of knowing me ... all in my favourite place ... perfection ... waiting for the words which took forever for him to ask!!! Making polite conversation for what seemed like hours!! Common Craig I know what’s happening now as much as this is beautiful in every single way ...

... and then ... getting on one knee in the perfect tradition, pulling out a pretty pink box with silver bow Craig informed Lyn that he completely adored her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her... “Will you marry me??” At which point Lyn (who NEVER cries) eye’s welled up and replied “of course!!” with tears running down her face, surprising herself at her unexpected emotions... with a huge grin on her face!!

itinary

2011-01-31T16:30:00.001-08:00

In answer to Lynda's question ... where are we going in Italy exactly?? ...

I finish work on the 7th February ... next week. Have 2.5wks off before the wedding .. married on the 25th Feb, flying out on honeymoon the next day. We flying into Venice via Dubai, arriving on the 27th Feb, stay there for 2 days. Pick up our rental car and drive up to the 'Dolomites' which is a mountain range north west of Italy to do a couple of days skiing, then carry on, weaving our way up to Interlarkin, Switzerland... where I have a sister-in-law who lives there. She is gonna be our tour guide for 4 days. Then amble down to the north east corner of Italy and down to Monaco, France... back into Italy, Tuscany coast and over the next week or so down to Rome via Pisa (where the tower is), and duck down to see Pompeii and zig-zag up through the middle of Italy back to Venice where we drop our rental car off on the 17th March. Then fly out to London for 4 days to meet up with a cousin who lives there whom I haven't seen for 5yrs and never visited her home there. She lives and works in the very centre of London so that will be nice. Then fly back to Venice and home via stopover in Dubai and Melbourne. Arriving in Auckland on the 24th March, stay one night (secret location) and fly out the next day to Rarotonga, staying at my sister's bach over there for a week. Figuring we need a week of absolute nothing to get over our rush rush of holiday europe travel. Finally arriving back in Auckland on the 1st April and starting back at work a week later on the 8th April.

My boss has been fantastic giving me 2mths off work!! I so can't wait to be 'Mrs Macaroni' (ironic we're going to Italy then huh?) Well actually it will be Mrs Mackie but nicknamed Macaroni; ;)

Wedding date

2011-01-23T14:11:00.000-08:00

Not much news happening here ... wedding date set for 25 Feb, 2011. And we fly out on honeymoon to Italy for 5wks on the 26th Feb, fly back to NZ and out the next day for a week in Rarotonga. I've taken 2 and a half months off work (thankyou boss) and life is still as sweet as ever. I am still besottedly inlove with my soul mate!! Time flies .. we've been together 7mths now and absolutely no regrets!! I want to spend every minute of my life with this wonderful man :)

Wedding is small and quaint with just 30 guests. Getting married on the beach under the pohutukawa tree and reception at our favourite Italian restaurant across the road. I'm getting married in a 'non-traditional' dress ;) and the kids are our bridal party.

This year is definately my blessed year. I'm still the luckiest girl in the world :)

I said yes!!!!

2010-12-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

Yay!!! We're engaged!!! The most amazing man I have ever met has asked me to marry him ... and of course I said YES!!!!

Last weekend while I was at work Craig took my kids for the day down to visit my parents in Hamilton, so that he could ask my father his permission to marry his daughter. Apparently they were wrapped and excited for us ... giving Craig their blessing. So for the last week without me realising, Craig has been hardly able to think about anything but!

This morning he offered to give me a sleep in, taking the kids to school for me. This was the first proper sleepin I've had in six months. Bliss!! Getting out of bed at 10am!! Then as I was having my morning coffee I got a txt from him asking me if I would like him to bring me lunch home. What?? Why?? Ok?? ...

Then at 11.30 he arrived here and informed me we were going for a picnic in the park. As we arrived he layed out the picnic rug and began to set out the most amazing array of food. I later found out he had it all especially prepared by a chef, organised days ago. Antepesto ... sundried tomotoes, breads, dips, gherkins, stuffed olives, salami, artichokes ... then the mains ... caeser salad, grilled chicken breast, ham and mustard, roast beef, pasta and salmon, rice salad, roast vege salad ... and of course my favourite drinks ... crisp apple mizone and sugar free red bull, finished off with a slice and chocolate fudge! After the most amazing meal anyone had ever prepared for me, he told me how much he loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his days with me. At this point got on one knee and pulled out the most beautiful ring I have ever seen!!! and asked me if I would marry him!!!! Arrrghhhhh!! The most romantic man I have ever known, the man who treats me like a queen every single day!! The man who I adore being with!! The man who after being with for over six months has never said a single horrible thing to me or done anything to make me feel anything but adored!! The man who still opens my car door every single time I get in the car!! The man who adores my kids and whom my kids jump with glee when they hear Craig is coming over for the evening!! The man whom I have never had one single disagreement with!! The man who loves everything I love ... art, cafes, movies, sitting infront of the telly, cooking, homelife, walks on the beach or through a park, photography ... the list goes on!!

I used to say after I left Bill that I didn't believe in love. There was no such thing ... only mutual co-habitation. I have to admit I was wrong ... there is love ... and I have found him ... and he wants me to marry him ... and I've said yes!!! Gladly so!!!

Bliss ...

2010-10-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

Yep its been absolutely ages since my last update ...

Craig and I called into have coffee with ChrisH last week and she commented to me that when my life is horribly bad or amazingly good that I don't seem to update my blog much.. and she is so right!!

And fortunately for me it is the later ... I am still amazingly besottedly in love with the man of my dreams!! Everything I have ever been through over the past 9 horrible years has been worth it if only for the sole reason of meeting Craig! We've been together over 4mths now, 3mths 'dating' and 1mth of getting to know one another. And I haven't been this happy, ever!! Craig totally completes me and still makes me feel like his treasured gift from above. He still sends me flowers for absolutely no reason other than he loves me. He still opens my door every single time I get in the car, and tells me multiple times a day how much I mean to him and how gobsmacked he is that he has found someone so amazing to spend the rest of his life with. Last weekend while up here he sat down and played lego with the boys. They totally loved the time with him and Craig said he cherished it too. Then the next day he told me that he had bid on a huge bulk set of lego on trademe for them. "Quality time with them is important to me and if that gives us that time then they need some more lego" ... awww, he is so adorable!!

And this wonderful man has handed in his notice at work, packing up his life in Christchurch and is moving up to be with me in Auckland. I can't believe that someone would give up so much to be with me!! He's scored himself a fantastic job with Paymark as a business analyst. They are the company that organise eftpos throughout New Zealand. The guy that hired him told the CEO of Paymark "We HAVE to have Craig, do what you need to do to get him" I'm so proud of him in his job ... proud of him full stop!!

And as of today we have found a place for him to rent. We aren't moving in together straight away. We're both being sensible and taking things at a good pace. We had a particular list of wants/needs in the right house for him to rent. With the top on the list ... "close to Lyn" and we've been searching for the last month with nothing suitable found. Then today as I was driving the kids to school I saw a 'for rent' sign out on a house just down the road from me. It checks off all the things on our list and is only 7 houses down the road from me.

Yay!! I'm so excited!! Everything is falling into place! 20 days to go till I fly down to Christchurch for the final time, where we will be doing a very exciting road trip back to Auckland ... for good!!!

Good news and more good news!!

2010-09-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't done an update in a while because not much has happened. I'm still on the waiting list for the ENT specialist appointment. But the lump in my throat has almost gone, so I'm thinking it was probably a virus. I'll still go to the appointment when it arrives to get the all clear... but it's looking very promising. Nothing like looking death in the face to make one appreciate being alive ;)

And some other really good news ... it looks like my man might be moving to Auckland in the next couple of months!!! I still can't believe that he would be willing to give up everything to move up to be with me!! He is the most amazing man I have ever known!!!

He went to his boss this morning to tell him that while he was happy in his job in Christchurch, he has decided that the girl in Auckland is the one for him and he wants to start looking for jobs up here. His boss replied "don't look for any jobs just yet, we have a plan." Apparently they want him to move up to Auckland and work from up here. There is a sister company that is in the same building as his down in Christchurch, that also has a branch up here, so Craig can work out of there and do work for his current company as well as two other companies. And it looks like it will be happening in the next couple of months ... yay!!! I'm so excited!!

As most of you know there was an earthquake in Christchurch last week. While no damage was done to Craig's place, the aftershocks have been horrible for him. Making him and all around him on edge. He hasn't been sleeping as everytime an aftershock happens it wakes him up and he's finding it difficult getting back to sleep again. The other morning he was driving to work when one happened. His car was bouncing all over the road and he was really close to having a headon collision with another car. The powerpoles were swaying 1-2mtrs down the road. After talking to him on skype that day I saw how stressed he was about it all so urged him to take a couple of days off work and fly up here earlier to get away from it for a bit. He had originally planned to fly up Friday night and fly back Saturday night. Fortunately he agreed with me and talked to his boss about it. His boss was lovely and gave him the time off, so he flys up this afternoon. Will be so good to see him again. It's only been 5 days since we were last together but feels like an eternity!! This long distance thing is so hard, but won't be for long!!

I feel like the luckiest girl alive!!!

still here, still waiting ...

2010-08-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

Quick update to let you all know I'm still here ...

nothing more has happened, still waiting back on test results and ENT appointment to happen. Some days I feel really bad and others I'm absolutely fine, like nothing is wrong.

Craig is flying up tonight to spend 3 days with me... looking forward to that immensly!!

Weight is exactly the same as it was on my last weighin a few weeks ago.

Still keeping positive, but the waiting is driving me nutts!!!

Here we go ...

2010-08-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

This blog may take a little turn now ...

I'm staying positive ... and Craig has been a Godsend to me!! He's been my support, comforter, jokester, shoulder to lean on, best friend, loyal companion through the last couple of weeks.

I have a lump in my throat that I'm currently having tests on. It may be the big 'c' word or it may be nothing. I spent yesterday having blood tests, and xrays at middlemore. I have an appointment with the ENT specialist in a couple of weeks which will hopefully find out more of what's going on.

For now it's a waiting game and I think that's the hardest.

Still smiling ... just :)

Just like old times

2010-08-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

Bill txt me last night to say he was coming over to spend some time with the kids after school. I replied back "sure, no probs"

He arrived before they got here. Offered him coffee, polite chitchat. Said he could pick the kids up if he wanted, he declined. Told him I was getting a few things from the shop on the way back and would be half hour or so... I was a little longer with the queues ... 50mins ... Got back to him giving me heaps about the fact he had to wait so long. I was told before I left that he was staying for dinner so got some things for dinner.

As I got home he came to me telling me I was a bad host in not offering him a bourben ... I said "I thought you were driving tonight!?" "not till much later!!" Pointing to the cupboard I told him where it was and said he needed to get it himself. He gave me a grilling about the fact when I went away he wasn't given the opportunity to babysit the kids. I told him I wasnt sure where he stood with having no place to stay and a newborn baby in the house.

The kids wanted to play a game of cards all together, I agreed. During the game I mentioned to him that Lauren wanted to go to a friends birthday and given I was working nights did he want to look after the boys. It was replied with .. well can you bring them down to me? I can't I'm working 12hr shifts over that time. His reply "well fuck!! it seems like I'm doing everything here!! Driving up here all the time, you never seem to do anything" I told him "I'm looking after all the kids with no financial outcome from you, isn't that enough"

I also got grilled about the fact that on his birthday (the other day) I hadn't organised for the kids to do any presents or card for him... even tho the kids had rung him happy birthday ... this wasn't discussed with me .. just a sideline remark to the kids .. "wow so what did you get me for my birthday? ohh nothing? that's not your fault but I did think someone would have organised something for you"

During the game of cards he continued to swear... I told him I didn't appreciate all his swearing, that if he chose to swear that was up to him, but while he was in my home .. we don't swear here. He was annoyed at a move I made in the game and then proceeded to call me a "wench" I replied .. "don't call me that!!" "why?? its not a swear word, its in the dictionary!" Infront of the kids I was horrified .. "I don't appreciate being called that by my ex, that's just wrong!!"

At that point I said I needed to get dinner on ... to which he replied "I hope your not expecting me to stay for dinner ... I'll be leaving shortly" Where I said "You told me earlier you were here for dinner, but that's ok"

He left shortly after ... even after telling the kids he would be with them for dinner.

Talk about bringing back old memories!!! I'm so glad I left him!!!!

How dare they!!???

2010-08-14T15:56:00.001-07:00

Don't wanna go through another day like yesterday again ...

Woke up to go to work, to find Lauren telling her younger brothers off for stealing her money and wallet. After some frantic searching the house we couldn't find it anywhere, I made the decision to not worry about it, saying it will turn up. Grabbing my keys to leave for work ... I couldn't find my keys anywhere ... this was starting to look odd.

Then beginning to think ... maybe someone broke in and stole them... but nothing else was gone. Laptops still here, tv still here. Getting my spare set of keys I left for work telling Lauren to let me know if they turned up.

I have a rule for Lauren... she can txt me anytime at work, but only call if it's an emergency. While I was with a patient in the back of the ambulance I get a call on my mobile from my home line. My heart skipped a beat ... "hello??" "Mum, our house was broken into, the playstation and all the games are gone"

Suddenly the reality of this hit ... They broke in while we were sleeping!!! And they have my house keys, my car keys, and garage door remote!!!!! They'll be back!!

I transported my patient to hospital, my mind spinning ... then immediately rang my landlord. She was fantastic!! Within an hour she was at my house with a locksmith and had all the door locks replaced, including deadbolts!! The garage door disabled and new remotes ordered. Wow!! Fantastic!!

She's trying to get it on her insurance, but because they got in through a garage ranchslider which was accidently left unlocked, we don't think the insurance will cover it. So I've told her if they won't I'll pay for it ... I'm happy to do that, I need to know my kids are safe when I'm not there. I've been told it might cost up to around $500 ... but money is nothing compared to our safety.

There were a few good things that came out of this ... my handbag and wallet including credit cards was sitting on the floor by my keys and they didn't touch it .. my laptop was in my room that night because I was too lazy to take it back downstairs before going to sleep. Our mobile phones were by our beds (Lauren and mine) ...

.. and the best bit ... when I told Craig, he was beside himself, telling me he was going to jump on a plane to be with me. He said he felt such anger knowing someone was doing that to his girl, he said he needed to be my protector. To think someone would do that for me touched my heart. I know he's someone really special ... but yesterday that knowledge went from my head down to my heart.

For the next 4 days I'm home... don't want to go anywhere. I'll be here with my kids, protecting them and my home from those creeps!!!

lucky in love

2010-08-09T17:04:00.000-07:00

A mysterious van just turned up on my driveway ... opening the door wondering who would be coming to visit I see a man walking towards me with a huge bunch of flowers!! I have never had flowers sent to me by courier before ... ever!!!

I am so lucky!!!

Never felt this way ...

2010-08-09T03:47:00.000-07:00

I'm still absolutely 100% inlove with my man!! And in answer to your queries ... yes we are definately taking things slowly. We've both made the decision not to sleep together at this stage (oops too much info??lol) We just want to enjoy eachother for who we are without adding the physical extra stage just yet. Every day we spend together I find out more that I love about him. We just love hangin out, I laugh so much around Craig. I have never ever been treated like the princess he makes me feel!!

Day 42 since meeting him and I still feel the same ...

Dodgy!!

2010-07-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

thankyou guys for your wonderful support ...

I'm very much taking this one day at a time. But its great to be feeling in love. I waved Craig off at the airport last night. We sat and had a coffee at the same table in Domestic lounge that we'd been at 36hrs earlier when we were both so nervous and meeting in person for the first time. So much had happened in 36hrs!! lol ... well actually most of the foundation buildup has been happening over 4wks via phone, skype, facebook etc... so the meeting in person was the hurdle we were both scared about ... and now that we both know we are who we look like online, we can breath a sigh of relief!! lol

There's no plans of either of us rushing into relocating ... want to think about this carefully and slowly. So for now it's gonna be some airpoints earnt (mainly for him) and well used skype.

He is flying up here for 3weekends (given I'm on a months leave from work at the moment) and then I go down there on the 7th August, where he's taking me to the All Blacks/Sth Africa Bledisloe Cup game ... I've never been to a live international game before so I'm quite excited!!

Funny thing happened ... well not really funny, but it's such a shocker I can only laugh!! I was in contact with a guy from Hawkes Bay via findsomeone called Nathan. We had some phone conversations over a week and I started to get a bad vibe about him. He had planned to come up to see me in a couple of weeks time from then (this was about a month ago). I rang him 3 days before to say I really didn't think it was right he came up here, that I wasn't liking a few things and didn't think we were right for eachother. He was good about it and said ok, fair enough, thankyou for your honesty. Then I get a txt the next day to say I've decided to come up to see some friends in Auckland anyway ... what do you think about meeting up for coffee anyway, as mates. So I replied back, sure why not, sounds good.

We had coffee and again I told him I wasn't interested but wished him all the best. During all of that time I was sending messages to and from Craig via findsomeone. Maybe 1 message every 2 days and we both had decided that while we seemed to get on well, that the distance was really too far, but kept chatting anyway. Then after I'd told Nathan I wasn't interested Craig and I started skyping. We instantly hit it off ... and had been chatting on the phone, skype, facebook, FSO .. lol anyway we could. We just laugh and have such fun together. It all started as a "we're just mates because you live way over there" and turned into something much more beautiful!! Anyway, Craig said he wanted to fly up to see me (this was organised just over a week ago) and would be here on the weekend of the 24/25 July ... 2wks time from then. I was excited. Then he rang me a couple of days later to say that there was some issues with his house selling in auckland, with the purchasers wanting some things fixed, that he had to last minute fly up here this weekend, so did I wanna meet up then as well? Sure thing!!!

So, when we met ... we instantly clicked!! We knew our personalities clicked already, and now the physical spark was there too (for both of us). We went to Rainbows End for the day and were like 2 silly teenagers !! By the end of the day we both knew this was a goer, and decided to 'officially date' ... not knowing anything about how we were gonna do the distance thing! lol but ohhh well.

Anyway .... after posting it on facebook that we are together ... I get a txt from Nathan ... saying "I see you are with Craig now, that sounds a bit sus, and I get a feeling you weren't honest with me, I'm a bit annoyed about that and would like an explanation" ... I was like WHAT THE??? I told Craig (who happened to be right there) and we both decided to ignore it.

Then this morning I get a second txt from Nathan .. "Morning Lyn, hows things. hey its just bugging me a little. You and Craig have either had a whirlwind romance or you haven't been honest with me cause I wanna get on with life 2. Also I suggest you reply to this txt othersiwe I may ask the same question on facebook as some things you said just aint adding up. Dont get me wrong I'm happy that your happy just a tad confused"

Well ... lol ... I saw red at this point. I txt him back saying I'm busy right now, will be online in an hour to talk to him about it.

Then when I went online he wasnt there but he txt me to say he would call me. When he rang (from his home line) After the initial "hi" I started straight in ... "I'm gobsmacked that you would send me threatening txts like that, I never dated you, infact told you at the very start before you even came up here that i wasnt interested. It's none of your business what I do with my life. I have never lied to you and you can post anything you like on facebook because I know my conscience is clear ... and if you continue to send any further txts like that I will be forwarding them onto a detective friend I have from work" He replied back with some defence comments but I shut it down and we said goodbye.

And then half an hour ago the phone rang ... and when I answered ... there were only scratchy noises with no one talking. I thought it may be Nathan hitting the redial by accident. But then when I looked up the number ... the original call made by him earlier was from his home number ... and this was from his mobile .... ohhhhh dodgy!!!

I'm gonna let it go as a one off mistake ... but if it continues .. i might be going to see that cop friend of mine.

Crazy man!!! lol

Ohhh and some cool news ... I lost 1.5kg this week! from 97.2kg to 95.7kg ... well over 2wks that is. I didnt weigh in last week, too much happening. Yay!!!! :D

Happy, happy!!!! Man my life is good at the moment!!!! lol

wowsers!!!

2010-07-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

I've been quiet for quite a bit ...

that's because I am smitten!! I've been talking, skyping, phoning a guy for 4wks now ... and now we are 'officially' dating!! He is the complete gentleman!! The only bad point, nothing I've found that I don't like other than this .. he lives in Christchurch!! :(

He flew up from christchurch today ... I met him at the airport, he was so nervous his hand were shaking. He couldn't speak!! We had coffee, ... then both felt much better, once we established we both really felt the same after meeting in person. I've gotten to know him online without meeting him till today. The only hurdle was making sure he was the same in person as I'd gotten to know him online .. and he is better!!

He asked me what I'd like to do today ... I suggested Rainbows End .. so off we went ... and we had an absolute blast!! He had me in fits of laughter all day!! He asked me if he could hold my hand!! And gently kissed my cheek goodbye when we had to part ways at 3pm. He was off to see his mum for the night who lives in Auckland. He's been offered lots of jobs in Auckland, so is considering it.

He told me he is bossotted, smitten .. thinks I'm the most amazing woman on earth!! And ... he loves the fact I have 4 kids!!!! I am blown away that such an amazing guy likes me!!! I haven't felt this way ever!! after a first date!!!

Craig has blown my mind ... God is good to me to save me someone so special!!! Watch this space .. and yes I'm being careful!! .. slowly does it!!

dreams

2010-06-22T14:40:00.001-07:00

We had a great time last night ... and our team came 2nd out of 6 teams, winning ourselves a $30 bar tab, which we've saved for the next one. The questions where quite hard so I'm impressed we did so well. And it was great to just get out and have fun.

I've done my weighin this morning rather than my normal weighin of Thursdays, given I get up for work at 5am, I didn't want to be rushing with weighin as well.

I've had a few social events this week, with a bit of alcohol consumed. I drink bourben with diet coke, so fairly low in points but has meant I lost track with my points for a couple of days. And I had a piece of pizza that the kids were having one night. Other than that I've been good, but I just wasn't sure how the scales were going to read ...

... so was pleased to see 97.2kg on the scales ... 400g loss ... nice :) 25.4kg lost in total.

I had a dream the other night that woke me up ... dreaming I was at Rainbows end with Lauren and we saw Elena (Michael's daughter) and Kim (Michael's new girlfriend) there. I didn't recognise Kim at first because she had heaps of dark makeup on, and a bright scarlet red streak through her hair (that's what I have at the moment) ...she looked just like me and was clearly trying to look like me. (in real life she's a plain jane mum who doesnt wear makeup). In my dream I was talking to this lady and then got a shock when I realised it was Kim, then I woke up.

All of this doesn't mean much ... except for the fact that last night I got an invite to go to Elena's birthday on the 7th July ... at Rainbows End!!!! Woaaahh ... me thinking I'll give a polite decline, weird!!

Getting out to socialise

2010-06-21T22:23:00.001-07:00

Thankyou for your support ... I'm feeling better the last few days. Helps that my weight is going down. Hmmm except for maybe next weeks weighin but thats ok ...

I'm off to a quiz night at the pub tonight ... me and a single friend at work (female) figure we need to get out and socialise so we have put a team together ... 9 of us from ambulance and police are making up a team ... wahooo wish us luck!!

See how we go ... mostly as long as we have some fun! That's the point of it all!

Ohhh and I might have a boarder ... got an email today from Alfriston College wanting urgent accomodation for a Japanese Teacher, 24yrs old. Sounds pretty good, considering we are just infront of Alfriston College, 2mins walk. That will help with the budget :)

So I'm all dolled up ... ready for a good time ... wahooo!!!

Undercurrents ...

2010-06-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

For some stupid reason I got all meloncholy last night and started reminiscing about Michael ... wtf??? where did that come from? I haven't cried or even given him a thought for months! I looked up his website because I knew there was a video of him on there, which I watched. Malachi caught me and said "why are you watching HIM for??"

I think it stemmed from seeing his parents get an account on facebook. I got on really well with his parents. His dad is a lot like my dad and they all made me feel so much part of the family, and just like that I was cut off from the family too with no communication, no goodbyes, nothing. I was instantly replaced by Michael's new girlfriend.

I still know I've done the right thing in dumping that loser, but ... well no buts.

Subconsciously there are things in the background with my boys moving up here in a couple of weeks. I have waited so long for this to happen, to finally have them all living with me and I'm really happy about it all happening. But underneath it all I know that no guy is going to want to take on a girl with 4 kids!!! 2 children is one thing, but a family of 4 ... no way! It's not that I want to change anything, I definately still want them all with me. And then I feel guilty for even feeling this way.

And it's not even TTOM for me ... what is going on??

close call ... and a loss

2010-06-16T15:15:00.001-07:00

Weighin ... 97.6kg ... 1.3kg loss and bringing me to 25kg total loss ... finally, heading down to the direction I want.

Just popping in to tell you about this ... yay! Malachi is sick today so I've taken a day off work to look after him. Not much other news, work is good ... love life ... hmmm, non-existant, but that's ok ...

... ohhhhh ... I just remembered ... I took a guy to hospital yesterday, when we got to the house we were met by his wife, and as we walked up the driveway we heard a dog and made a comment about hope that dogs not yours. She replied no, but I do have a 2yr old. We laughed.

Anyway, as I took this guy to his room at the hospital, he said to me "I know you, we met about 4yrs ago"
"really?, I don't remember you"
"we met from a website"
"what website?"
"a dating one"
"well it obviously wasn't me because I was still married 4yrs ago"
"ohhh maybe it wasn't quite 4yrs ago, it's definately you, you live in an apartment in Manukau City"

At this point I said I'm not sure, wow ok, weird and politely said goodbye. I was freaked out, I did live in an apartment 18mths ago and the guy did vaguely look familier. But I only went on about 5 dates from findsomeone and I would definately recognise him if he was one of them.

Then I remembered, there was a guy I was chatting to online from findsomeone 18mths ago (not 4yrs) who lived in Manurewa, but he got a bit intense and phylisophical for me so I'd ended it before I ever met him in person. I went home and looked up the messages from 18mths ago ... yep it was definately him. Freaky thing was he seemed to know so much about me, and he had only ever seen one photo, yet recognised me.

and ... it was only 18mths ago, yet ... he had a 2yr old son, and a WIFE!! (which obviously I didn't know then) and he is currently off work on ACC for depression ...

... hmmmm .... lucky I didn't go there!!! lol

Night to remember!

2010-06-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

Wowsers!! What a night!

The party was a fizzer and everyone had gone home by 11pm. Lara and I (an advanced paramedic I work with) were just warming up and the night was still young, so off we went to see what the nightlife was like in Pukekohe. We walked to the Smart Bar to find they had a cover charge, not having any cash we walked to the cashflow machine. I turned round to see where Lara was to find her hard out snogging someone in the main street!! Wtf?? Then she just kept walking with no words exchanged to this mystery man! Who the heck was that? I asked. Turns out she met him 18mths ago at the rugby club, and he wanted to take her home with him, but being too shy she turned him down and left that night. He had recognised her from all that time ago. I was still stunned, as we walked into the bar.

We boggied for a couple more hours, including dancing with a very nice 6ft man with a nice bod!! As we were all being kicked out of the club when they were closing at 2.30am we stood outside waiting for a taxi. Next thing the guy appears again and there was a change of plans, we were going to his work. Hang on!! No way Lara, give me your house keys I'm going to your place. They then decided that we would all go to her place. I started walking, still a bit unsure. As we started off across the park I noticed there we infact 4 of us ... the tall man on the dance floor was walking with us ... what the?? I told Lara and her man, I'm not into this guy, he's nice and all but I don't do one night stands!! I was told it's ok, they'll sort it, he was an employee of his. My head was spinning, what am I doing? I'm walking at 3am in a town I don't know, I'm over the limit to drive anywhere, don't know anyone else here in Pukekohe and don't know these two men from a bar of soap!!

As we got to Lara's house they disappeared to her room, leaving me in the lounge with this man. I told him to step outside for a bit and gave him a lecture! "If you think I'm going to shag you, you are very much mistaken!! You make one move on me buddy and I'll be kicking your arse out the door and calling the cops!!" I even surprised myself! lol. He was very nice and said no problem, that's fine. "however!" I said "I'm a very nice person and am happy to sit and talk if you want" So we stood outside and chatted for an hour or so. Turns out he like rugby, had been in New Zealand for 4yrs and the man in Lara's room was his boss. Next thing the front door opens and there's a stark naked man asking me to come inside. I was then asked to take my clothes off and join him and Lara in bed "Ummm I don't think so mister!!, I'm not going there" He pleaded with me a bit more and I rolled my eyes and walked out of the room. A few more times Lara's man came out to ask me to join them, each time I told him to get lost, I don't do that!!

Then it came time for Manoa to go home and he gave me a hug, kissed me on the top of my head, said thankyou, kissed me on my cheek, then tried to kiss me on my lips, at which point I pushed him away and said "hey cut it out!!, you go there again and I'll get your boss to kick your arse out of here!" At which point he laughed and said I dare you ... so I barged into Lara's room to get his boss, not thinking (hmm, clearly I must have been too intoxicated to have any common sense) There were screams and shreaks, from Lara, then from me ... lol! I'm so sorry ... aww man, honest I didn't see anything ... argghhh I'm sorry ... then we all burst out laughing "Can you get this man outa here, he's not taking no for an answer and needs to go" He left. I feel sorry for him now, he was actually a complete gentleman lol ... ohh well!

I then lay down on the couch with a duvet, some time later Lara's man came into the lounge, grabbed my duvet and said you're not getting it back till you come into our room. At which point I got stroppy ... walked into their room to find them under the covers, body slammed him and told him "Lara is my boss, and a very good one! I respect her and you need to too!! She deserves someone who's going to treat her well, and by nagging me, you are NOT treating her with the respect she deserves, so cut it out!!! I'm going to bed, GOODNIGHT!!" And walked out, closing the door behind me. Lara said to him "there! haha! you just got a telling off, that was so sweet!!"

I woke up a couple of hours later at 8am ... what a night!! Very surreal! Over coffee, Lara informed me that the man I told off was a millionaire who owned a construction company, and also owned the 'Steelers Counties Manukau' rugby team! OMG! lol ... haha, go me!! And ... that the man I turned down (with the very nice bod ... was a professional rugby player for the Steelers!!! haha!! Yeyahh that made me feel good ... a professional rugby player wanted 'this' ... and was stunned when I turned him down!!!

That's gotta make me feel good!!!
But wowsers ... what a night!!!

Out on the town ... finally!!

2010-06-11T22:07:00.001-07:00

My kids are at their friends for the weekend, and I'm off to a firemans/police party (the real ones, not dressup! lol) ... wahooooo!!

Yayaa!!

weighin

2010-06-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

Here's a pic of Jamie for you to see, wearing my outfit I knitted him... he is truly adorable!!!

Quick update for my weighin results ... 98.9kg ... 600g loss!! wahoo! very happy result!

Onward and downwards ... yay!!

I love my job!

2010-06-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

Went to the most amazing car accident last night on the Auckland Southern Motorway. A car got totally compacted between a ute and a Kentworth truck!! The car ended up going from a stationwagon to the size of a small couch ... and squished totally around a lady. The bystanders went crazy clapping when we got her out and she was alive and 'txting'. We only had a handhole access to her while she was trapped. She ended up fracturing C2 of her spine, but looks like no spinal damage at this stage (only the bones broken) ... very very very lucky lady!!!

Ohhh and looks like it was on TV3 news last night, and here is the nzherald website coverage of it ... (note I'm the one pushing the stretcher into the ambulance at the end)

Herald story

Jese turns 8

2010-06-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

It was my baby boy's eighth birthday on Saturday... can't believe he's growing up so fast! So Lauren, Malachi and I headed down to Thames Saturday morning to spend the day with him, Jordan and their dad. He wanted to go to the Thames Goldmine Museum so that's what we did and had a great time, even got to go underground. Lunch was made up of chips, sausage rolls, garlic bread, lollies and birthday cake ... hmmm, not good for my new ww eating, but I did my best :)

Then I took him and Jordan with us to mum and dad's for another birthday dinner there ... lol ... another meal of high fat Lasagna ... oh well. I put in a one liner on my ww tracker ... 45pts ... food name .. "crap" ... and guess what?? It kept freezing on me, guess it didn't like me putting that in! haha!!

Then yesterday went to see my new baby nephew born 2 weeks ago. Yep I'm an aunty for the first time! My sister finally has a baby boy that they adopted from birth. You may recall, she is the same sister who lost her twins nearly 3yrs ago, still born at 32wks and been through countless ivf ... all unsuccessful. But now it has all paid off cuz she is the proudest mummy of the most beautiful baby boy!! And I'm not biased ... he is absolutely adorable!! And he was wearing the little outfit I had knitted him, which fitted perfectly!

So as for eating ... I stuck to plan yesterday, saving 4pts and another today, so all is not lost. Feels good to be back in control again :)

Finally ... the light bulb goes on!

2010-06-03T15:58:00.001-07:00

I woke up a couple of days ago, with TTOM right around the corner, feeling FAT and ugly. I recognised it being 'just hormones' ... but it gave me a light switch.

I stopped doing weightwatchers 2.5yrs ago (wow time flies!).

I made the decision the day before yesterday ... "I'm going to lose weight again, get down to goal and if I ever want to get a man again I can have the pick of any man I like! lol". As I left for work I told Lauren my plans of doing weightwatchers online again. She smiled, said ok and gave me a kiss goodbye.

I got thinking while at work about Jenny Craig. I did Jenny Craig 16yrs ago, doing quite well, but didn't keep it off. The partner I was working with that night had also done Jenny Craig 6mths ago, so I got talking to her about it. She said it cost her around $150+ a week in food. I said money wasn't an issue (a nice tax refund has given me some surplus cash at the moment). Her reply was 'go get a tummy tuck and lipo done, I know a great surgeon in Tauranga'. So when I got back to station I did some research. And while it seemed a tempting 'quick fix' after some thought I didn't think it was a wise answer. I didn't want to use up all my money in one go, and it just didn't feel right. So after a big circle of ideas I came back to weightwatchers again.

For the past 2yrs I have not been motivated one bit to lose weight. I've had no reason ... either feeling so low that I couldn't focus or so high that my emotions were elsewhere.

Now finally I feel levelheaded, calm and ready to focus again on getting back to goal. My heart is over Michael and not hurting anymore. I'm not paranoid about finding a man and am happy for now to spend my focus on me and my kids.

Since Michael left he took his scales and I haven't weighed myself for the past 3 or so months. It felt like I had piled on 7 or 8kgs. I was nervous to find out what I now weighed. Off to Briscoes and bought me some new scales ...

It hasn't been a waste of 2yrs, and for this period I have treaded water in regards to weightloss. So after I rejoined my online ww account I had a look at my records. When I stopped ww in Sept 07 my last weighin was 106.6kg ... yesterday my first weighin ... 99.5kg ... 7.1kgs lighter than I was when I stopped ww ... very happy with that. And as for the 7 or so kg I thought I put on ... actually only 2kg from my lightest of 97.9kg (6mths ago)

Yay, I'm excited about being excited ... recarving this beautiful body of mine back into what I know it can be!

He had it coming ...

2010-05-16T17:02:00.001-07:00

I put a post on my facebook wall today ... "... it seems what goes around, does come around, nice!"

I've always been a big believer in this statement, that if we take the high road and don't 'take revenge' ourselves that sooner or later our good deeds will come back as rewards and 'their' bad deeds will bite them in the bum.

This week I have seen some of this. I'm not one to backstab or talk about others... so instead of letting it out in the 'real world' I'm gonna blog about it.

I also believe that there are never enough second chances. That if we are truelly sorry about something then there is always forgiveness and time for letting go. But that depends on the heart attitude and a willingness to admit wrongs. That while we may be forgiven for things there are always consequences for our actions...

.. anyway ... when I was with Michael he had 'issues' with Inland Revenue, regarding his accounts. He always kept things very private when it came to his financial position. But over time when you are living with someone, you get to see bits and pieces that put together a picture. There were times when he wouldn't answer the phone, and considering he ran a business from home, this is quite bad business practice. He had caller ID on the phone and would never ever answer a phone call with 'private' on the screen. I often thought this was odd.

One day he let it slip that IRD wasn't too happy with him and he was worried that they were gonna start taking money out of his account, or even worse take his house. I told him I didn't think they could do that. Then another time I saw a letter on his desk from IRD saying that he needed to do his tax returns immediately or they would be 'taking action'.

Everytime I talked to him about it, he would shut the conversation down, telling me I was overreacting, that he had it under control. Then one day, it got too much for me. After all, I had just come out of a marriage where finance was an issue, and was finally getting myself back on my feet. I didn't want to enter into another relationship/marriage and have to take on someone else's baggage.

So I confronted him ... very stern and serious and told him I needed to know what was going on. It must have been a weak moment for him because he told me everything. Which was basically that he hadn't done his gst or tax returns for 2 or 3yrs and they were threatening prosecution.

I just couldn't understand it ... "why can't you do them? just do it! you're an accountant for goodness sake" He told me he didn't have the time. I was stunned, I told him "It would only take you a couple of weeks of solid work on it, tell your clients you cant do any work for 2wks, and even if all your clients walk away because of that (which I'm sure they won't) ... who cares?? Do you not realise what 'prosecution' is?? That means potentially JAIL TIME!!!"

At this point he put his hand infront of my face and told me to "stop talking, I don't want to hear another word about it!!!" At which point I did. But that was one of the first signs of 'get out of this relationship!!!' moments for me.

2 or 3mths later was when I finally did end it with him, and not another word was spoken by me about the subject during this time.

Then yesterday I saw a letter for Michael in our letterbox. He has a mail redirection so I'm not sure how this one slipped through. But I think someone above allowed it to slip through for me to see it. From IRD... of course I wouldn't open it, but my curiosity did make me hold it up to the light and the words I saw were enough to let me know what was inside ...

Words saying ... 'heard in the District Court ... Third and subsequent offence ... $12,000 ... $8,000 ... court fees ... court hearing date ...' WOW!! And the last time I spoke to him (a little over 2wks ago he told me "life is fantastic, I'm doing so well!!"

His daughter also let it slip to Lauren a couple of weeks ago that they had to be out of their house in the next month, or his ex-wife was taking him to court for her part in the house.

And this week for me ironically ... I've received a $11,000 tax refund, with another refund of similar amount due in the next 2mths or so.

Hmmm ... karma??

News Flash!!

2010-05-12T16:36:00.001-07:00

*NEWS FLASH*NEWS FLASH*NEWS FLASH!!!

I'm getting my boys!! I'm getting full time custody of all 4 of my kids!!!! Bill came to me last night to ask if I would have the two younger ones in Auckland as well. He thinks all 4 need to be living together and sees that living with me is the best option for them ...

... I'm gobsmacked!! I was told a year ago that I would need to fight for them if I wanted them ...

I don't know how it's all going to happen, but it will happen ... I'll find a way to make it work. I think this can work. I can't believe it! I'm thinking at this stage, July ... is that the school holidays? I have the whole of July off work anyway, and Lauren turns 15 in July (for after school looking after them, till I get home from work) ...

Lauren and Malachi are so excited also ... I knew I wasn't supposed to get a flatmate, or a man! lol

For the time being ...

2010-05-11T00:37:00.000-07:00

I'm doing well ... still feeling a bit 'empty' but moving on. I haven't cried over Michael, or spoken to him since my last post 10 days ago ... other than when I posted on Facebook that I was enjoying getting to know someone and he had the cheek to put a comment saying "'Congrats! I'm so happy for you, all the best" ... of course which I deleted immediately!!

He then popped up a chat to say the same thing again, to which I replied "there's nothing to congratulate me about, it's just a friendship. I'm working on making some friends, male and female ... a social life again, something I never had with you" Cruel reply maybe, but needed.

My relationship with Lauren has been so good over the past 18mths since Bill and I separated. She has been so grown up and has become a very good friend. I went to her parent/teacher interview last week (which she also attended) The teacher spent the next 15mins raving about her, telling me what a dream she was in the class, great at her work, getting fantastic grades, an amazing friend to her mates ... and the next part brought a tear to my eye... She said "In all my teaching years I have never seen such an amazing bond between mother and daughter as you both have. She just raves about you, saying how special you are to her! It's a credit to you as a mother to have such an amazing daughter!!!" I was sooo so proud of her!

I took both Malachi and Lauren out to Wendy's for dinner to celebrate both their good reports. We had a blast!

Lauren found an old journal of mine and wrote a note in it, leaving it by my bed. Saying in it that I need to start writing in this again... and has been leaving me notes in the kitchen when I get home from work (when she is still in bed) ... inspirational quotes ... the last one this morning ... "don't be discouraged by the stumbling blocks the devil puts in the way, as it makes the reward at the end all the more special" ... And I've been doing the same. So far it has been on scrap pieces of paper, but I'm thinking of getting a special note whiteboard.

Malachi has been wonderful too, doing odd jobs round the house without being asked, hanging washing out, clearing the dishwasher etc.

Then both Lauren and Malachi gave me my mothers day pressie ... a plaque for the wall ... "As long as we're together... everything else will fall into place" ... I thought I loved my kids before ... but my heart is just bursting the last month or so ... they are such amazing kids!! I am so blessed!!

As for Hamish ... I've been on 3 dates with him, and each time had fun ... my hearts not in it tho, and I felt it wasn't fair to him. It's still too soon for me. I need to be comfortable in my own skin ... work on some 'me' time .. 'us' kid/mum time ... I was completely honest with him and explained that I liked his company but for now need to take some time out for me. At the same time deleted my 'findsomeone' account ... he was completely lovely about it, told me to call in for coffee anytime. And that night saw me on facebook and asked if I was ok, thanking me again for my honesty.

So for the now ... it's time to appreciate my kids, appreciate me and my world that is around me, without the need for adding to it. For the time being ...

But can you remember her name?

2010-05-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

9 days since my last update ...

Things are getting better ... mostly ...

I haven't cried over Michael for a whole week. Until this morning! lol

Backtrack ... I went on a date on Saturday ... for a low key coffee. He's a funny guy who makes me laugh ... something I never had with Michael ... he didn't get my humour ... and during the coffee I laughed and laughed ... so good for the soul!

When he got home Hamish (the date) txt me to say he had a great time. I sent him a message to say I had a great time too, but that with the last man I dated I went straight into dating him before I really knew him. That I really enjoyed our time together and would like to get to know him more but for now just need to be friends and see what happens ... surprisingly he was happy with that and understood the patience required.

Mostly I think I've moved on from Michael ... I'm not depressed and missing him all the time anymore...

But I had a few things hit the peak all at the same time this morning that left me in a blubbering mess.

1. It's pre-PMS ... crying for no reason time anyways
2. Had a stessful week at work with being so busy we didn't even get our legal breaks
3. The weather has meant I've woken up early in between my nights, getting hot ... so not had enough sleep
4. Had a horrible shift at work last night where I had a bit of a cry after the job.

... so normally (when I was with Michael) on those nights I would have come home and had a debrief and got it out of my system and things would be ok ...

Today I wanted to do that ... but once the kids had gone there was no one. I made the fatal mistake (yep and I can see you all now ... nooooo!! don't do it!!!) ... Contacted Michael on skype ...

Told him that while I was happy how things were, I was moving on, happy for him ... everything was good and don't want to change anything, that I was missing having my debrief after a hard night. His reply ... That sux ... Bless ya!! WTF???? He then proceeded to tell me how happy he was with Kate ... whoops no her name is Kim ... LOL ... oh yeah my head is in a spin over her I can't remember her name!!!! It's all so surreal ... we are so in love, it's weird!!"

At that point I logged off skype ... too much info ... and burst into tears!

So in the big picture I am moving on ... the clouds are getting thinner ... had a momentary relapse this morning where I thought I missed him, then luckily for me a good friend came on Facebook who quickly reminded me how much better I am off without him.

Just trying to deal with having no one ... don't miss 'him' ... just miss having 'a him' ... and sex has nothing to do with it :)

Hopefully a final hiccup before moving onto bigger and better things

trying to move on ...

2010-04-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all your support ... it helps a huge amount!!

Last night before nightshift I actually started to feel happier again, went to work and had a good night, coming home this morning with a slightly more positive outlook. Still have a dark cloud over me but there is the occasional gap of sunshine, thanks to my beautiful children!!

That was until this morning around 10am when Michael called by to pick up the last of his furniture. I am totally understanding of us ending... what I'm not coping with, and I feel guilty for feeling this way, is ... that he has moved on so quickly and unemotionally. He informed me today that the girl he met on findsomeone a week after we split and before he had sex with me ... he is now in a relationship with. They are officially hooking up ... 2wks after leaving me!!

I just find that so calous ... typical male. And he hasn't changed any parts of himself that caused both his 17yr marriage to end and our 1yr relationship to end. So either she will be an amazing person who can put up with his crap or it will end the same way. I feel sorry for her, but also think she is a bit silly jumping in with someone whom she knows is only a week or so out of a relationship.

All these feelings are part of the process I guess. Ohhh and funny ... Lauren threw a coffee mug at him as he walked out the door today, luckily missing him ... naughty girl, but I did smile while turning away.

Hopefully now that he is truelly gone, out of my life, nothing left to organise, no reason to see him again ... I can finally move on ... hopefully

loneliness ...

2010-04-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

... he's gone ...

left at 5pm ...

I feel empty ... I've done the right thing ...

but I feel empty ...

But wait there's more ...

2010-04-20T12:40:00.001-07:00

And it goes on ....

While staying in my house, after after yesterdays events, I was having a snooze in the afternoon. When I woke up I went to find out from him about the power/phone account etc. He was on his computer and looked like he'd been caught red handed ... he had!!

He was in my house using my internet, on the computer talking to HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!! I told him that while he was in my house it is common respect that he NOT TALK to his new girlfriend using my things ... that the least he could do was wait until he had moved out! He agreed ... uh duh ... ya think???

Then ... and yep there's more ... a few hours later, he randomly came out and said the he had the hots for the pastor's daughter at church!!!!!!! OMFG!!!! I told him "the last time you saw her you were still with me!!"

At this point I calmly went up to him and slapped him across the face and told him "she doesn't deserve scum like you", and to BE OUT TOMORROW along with all his furniture. His reply was "that was not appropriate, and that his movers weren't organised till Saturday" to which I said "yes it was appropriate, you deserved that and I don't care that you have no one to help you move tomorrow. When I get home from work you need to be gone or the locks will be changed and anything that is left here will be considered abandoned" ... Next thing I heard him on the phone late at night trying to find someone to help him.

I am gobsmacked that someone could be so offensive and ignorant!!!!

back to basics

2010-04-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

Michael has moved on ... found someone on findsomeone already. He came home last night after being away for a week in Wanganui with family.

He walked in the door, gave me a smile and hug. I had missed him sooo much, as much as he has hurt me ... then ... arghhhh, one thing led to another and we were going where we shouldn't have gone ... wild passionate lovemaking. Then half an hour later (without me doing or saying anything horrible) he turns to me and says that as much as he loves me he is sorry but it is over ...

... I felt completely used and abused!!!

I need to move on from this man... he is not good for me.

So today for the first time in 8yrs, first time since everything that happened with Bill ... I went to counseling. I put all my cards on the table ... told the lady everything, everything about Bill, what he did to Lauren and that I have just broken up with a religious guy who judges me for everything and doesn't understand anything that I've gone through with Bill ... told her about my smoking, and coping with alcohol... about my upbringing as a Pastors daughter, being teased in school ... and even about our event in the bedroom last night.

She was really good (the councelor) she didn't judge me, didn't even talk about my smoking and drinking. She told me we need to start at the beginning ... back to when I was at school and my issues with my parents. It was really good, lots of crying but moving forward. I feel like I am finally starting to heal. Things that I thought I had 'gotten over' with Bill were brought up.

I'm meeting with her again next Tuesday. By that time Michael will be gone from the house.

Then it's time for me .. time to heal .. time to get on with my life

Lauren is my rock!

2010-04-12T11:54:00.001-07:00

Thankyou guys for your support, it means alot, helps me feel not so alone :)

Lauren came to me the day I kicked Michael out (and without her knowing what had happened) she said "Mum I know I'm supposed to be going to grandma's for this week, but something tells me I need to be at home with you"

Wow!! And she has been fantastic! I feel bad to be needing her shoulder to cry on but she told me she has loved our special time together.

I've had lots of ups and downs over the past 3 days... heaps of crying, mainly first thing when I wake up and when I'm going to bed. Lauren was wonderful and came up with an idea of writing a list of all the things we 'won't miss' about Michael. We came up with a 2 page list of 90 things!! And had a few laughs along the way.

I have had moments of feeling like this is too much, too big. I've needed to be in contact with him while he's been away a couple of times to do with him dropping my boys off and picking them up from their dad's. And that has given me huge highs and lows ... happy when he's nice, then mad at myself for feeling like that, then sad, then when he's not nice I'm happy (because it makes it easier) then upset that he's not nice ... it's a huge emotional rollercoaster.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday afternoon. Very seriously considered rebooking it for another day as I didn't feel like I could face the world yet. Then my commonsense brain kicked in and said "go! you need to do it sometime, get out of the house" And I'm glad I did, as much as I don't like the dentist, it was good to get out to the real world again.

I'm back at work today, have prewarned my ambulance partner what happened and that I might be a bit emotional. The worst thing is I burst into tears at the silliest of things. He was very understanding. So lets just hope I can get through today without any embarrasing emotional outbursts.

I'm getting through this ... slowly ... awww maaaan, it's soooo hard!!

There he goes again

2010-04-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

I've avoided this place lately ... sorry ... needed to get my headspace ...

Alot has happened since my last post ...

I decided to kick Michael out a month ago for all of 2 days ... In that time he decided to get nasty, staying in the house (I decided not to kick him out on the street, for the sake of his daughter) but he changed the password on the internet meaning my daughter couldnt get her assignment done which was due the next day. I told him I was paying the rent so for him to change the internet was silly and being mean to Lauren. For some stupid reason I got 'lonely' and missed him ... my crazy head ... could only remember the good parts of him and wanted him back. So we decided to work on things. Originally my family were relieved when I'd called things off and didnt say anything when I went back to him.

I couldn't face the thought of being alone ... as much as I knew I shouldn't marry this man, I couldnt be by myself. For the last month it has been on and off ... still being in the same house but I wasn't happy. I was made out to be an absolute cow and Lauren and Michael started having fights. Then it all came to a head a few days ago... I had asked for some time with him (he's a workaholic) 2 weeks ago ... and he had been working all night and with me working I'd not seen him for quite a few days. Then one afternoon, knowing I was doing nightshifts the next 2 nights and then him going away for the school holidays, I asked him for an hour of his time ... I was told no, that he was too busy. I told him ok and died inside. His wife left him because she never saw him and I finally realised that it was all empty promises. At that point (a week ago) I decided to co-exist with him but that it was over. Last night he got off the computer, came to me and tried to make everything ok ... but it wasn't and I didn't respond. I went to bed. This morning he asked me if we were willing to change to make things better.

I asked him that depends on whether he meant me or himself .. of course the reply came ... you, are you willing to change. I said that there needed to be change from him also, time at work etc, to which he replied he didnt need to change. Then I nicely replied it was over and that when he went away for the school holidays, he needed to think about a new place to live when he got back. He was better this time, realising himself that it was over. I told him I was tired of being told I wasn't good enough for him, that actually I deserve better than him.

Lauren was supposed to be going to my parents for the holidays but had told me last night that she felt she needed to stay with me (she didn't know anything that was going on between Michael and I) ... ohhh the other thing was that 2 days ago Michael told me Lauren was obnoxious ... even if he is right, who tells his partner her daughter is that???? I may be biased but my daughter is NOT that!!!!! This is a girl who loves her dad even tho he molested her ... she is the best person in the world ... I am so proud of her its not funny!!! I love her to bits and very proud of her ... she is definately NOT THAT!!!!

So for now ... he has gone on holiday to his parents for a week ... I am here with Lauren at home ... I've cried all day, I miss him, but know I've done the right thing ... I've drunk alot of bourben, and smoked alot of cigarettes (please no comments on that) ... I'm sad ... I'm beside myself in grief ... I'm lonely, everything I look at in the house reminds me of him, wants him back ... but I know I've done the right thing...

as the song goes ... breaking up is so hard to do!!!

why?

2010-03-02T00:28:00.000-08:00

Ok ... big breath ... I may delete this post in the morning ...

Admittedly I've had 3 wines which can do one of two things ... bring my walls down and reveal the truth or make me a complete attention freak!! So hense why I will re-read this post in the morning and decide which of the two I think I am ...

Onto the nitty gritty ...

Michael ...

He wants to marry me asap!!! And that makes me run for the hills ... why is that??? ...

I see so many abused females in my job ... females who's partners 'give them da bash' and they consider it a compliment "but I lufff him???"

My ex was my best friend ... I struggle with this ... even with saying those words. We honestly were best mates for 9yrs!! Soul mates ... as soppy as that sounds ... we absolutely clicked!!! Our personalities absolutely intertwined so beautifully... my mother saw it, so did my dad.

And then he broke my heart .. he began drinking, which ironically is what I am doing right now. Why am I drinking? I guess to bury this horrible pain ... it's all so weird ... the pain I feel is from my best friend starting to drink.

We met at 19yrs ... a rollercoaster ride romance ... engaged 4mths after meeting and not a concern our doubt in my mind. Pregnant at 20 ... due to be married in 3mths anyway ... I didn't care ... I truelly loved this man!!! It sound sick now I know ... and that plagues my brain!!! We were completely in love ... absolutley happy ... for 9yrs he was my best friend ...we never even had an argument until we'd been married for 18mths.

Then ... he began drinking .. more and more ... to this day I don't really know the true reason why ... his 'once were warriors' past?? being abused at 12yrs old by a 'family friend' ... being so poor that his mother would catch ducks at the local pond for dinner ... not having any new clothes for months/years ... who knows??

I'm certainly not forgetting what he did here ... just trying to get out some hidden feelings/emotions ...

As Bill began to drink he began to change ... his once a week ... became once every couple of nights ... I tried so hard to stop it ... I could see where it was leading .. he changed when he drank ...

Not violent ... just annoying... I began to turn off. I didn't like the drunk Bill ... I adored the sober Bill ... will all my heart!!! But sadly more and more the drunk Bill became more often than the sober one.

To cope I threw myself into ambulance work .. but I married Bill for life ... he was my one true love.

And then the punch to my gutts came ... the suspected abuse to my daughter... I'd seen our love decline over the last 2-3yrs ... I'd seen him want to spend more time with my daughter than me ... but no proof ... then a confession from my daughter ... no intercourse but enough to mean I couldn't be with this man anymore ...

And nearly 18mths on ... that's still how I feel ... I can't be with him ... he is too dangerous for me ...

but my problem lies in the fact that no one can come up to a standard ... and yet 'anyone can come up to the standard' ... let me explain ...

Bill and I were soul mates ...we just 'got' eachother ... we never argued ... well very seldom ... we were never in a 'mood' with eachother for more than a day ... our conversation was for hours on end ... I felt so connected to him ...

But he hurt me ... he hurt my daughter ... I can't go there ...

and now I struggle with Michael ... Michael is not Bill ... Michael does not get me ... Michael doesn't have that smile when I have a tear rolling down my cheek that says 'I don't care what you've done to me ... I love you!!" Michael doesn't see my PMS days as 'Lyn days that don't count' ... I have to watch everything I say with Michael ... he gets so offended so easily .... the slightest word said in the wrong tone and he pouts his lips and storms out of the room.

I'm struggling with it ... Michael is utlimately a good man ... he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't abuse my daughter, he is a 'christian', he loves kids, he is 'financially secure', he doesn't hit me, doesn't abuse me, ... the perfect upstanding citizen ... But he doesn't 'get' me ... he sulks, he tells me I can't smoke, not allowed more than 1 bottle of wine a week ... not allowed to leave the room if we argue, not allowed to get mad or angry at anything... and lots more of 'not alloweds to' ... I feel like I am shut up in a little box ... I've told him I've given up smoking because he hated it so much ... truth is I don't smoke at home ... but I do smoke at work .. and often I can't wait till I get to work to be able to 'be myself' ...

But I stuggle so much that 'he is a good man' ... when I see so much abuse at work and here is someone is not abusing me (well outwardly) ...

I tried dumping him ... it didn't work ... he just talked me round. I don't know what I want ... if I give him up will I be stuck on my own forever??

To give a good side .. there are times we are happy ... but sadly more and more times I'm feeling like this ...

the biggest kept secret ...

2010-02-28T00:13:00.000-08:00

I've not done updates for a bit as I've been pulled from every direction and wearing a bit thin on the stress factor. Most of it stems from work ...

... I don't usually talk about work stuff and if this blog was public I would be getting in trouble for this ... but given it's a private blog I think it's a good place to vent...

We have been stretched to the limit this past week. We are in the process of going on strike. Auckland ambulance officers. Our latest payrise is set at 1.5% ... less than the GST proposed increase ... that aside ... my biggest problem (along with almost every other officer I know in Sth Auckland) is under funding ... not enough trucks on the road, not enough staff ... too much work ... here is my last 48hrs ...

Finished a nightshift Friday night Manukau station ... last job being a 24yr old totally unconcious who had smashed his car against a tree... wrapping the car around the tree, as first on scene, I saw a hole in his head, stuff coming out his mouth, unresponsive, but breathing albeit agonal shallow breathing... a radial pulse ... he was alive .. just!! along with everyone else on scene we got him out, alive ... still unconsious but alive ... into resus at Middlemore hospital.

After being out all night and finishing with that job at 5am and finally getting into my car at 7am after starting my shift at 6pm ... i went home for a sleep, after winding down given I'm quite tense ... having seen a 24yr old nearly die before my eyes, eventually closing my eyes around 9am ... it's hot and muggy ... got 4-5hrs sleep before the heat got too much ... then I'm up and ready for work again ...

starting at 6.30am ... out of the bay at 7pm ... we don't touch station again till 2am when we are stood down for a compulsary break ... dinner at 2am ... starving hungry ... job to job, not even touching base ... at station for an hour till 3am ... called out again, back at 5.15am ... then thank god a break till 6am ... then home ... and I'm grumpy as shit ... still wound up, sleep from 6.30am till 10.30am ... 4 hrs ... still grumpy ... back to sleep at 2pm till 5pm ... wake up .. now had 8hrs, ... now wide awake... hmmm not sure if i can sleep tonight ...

So a taste of my 48hrs nightshift at the busiest station in the country ... i love my job ... wouldnt give it up for anything ... but we are so underfunded and they refuse to put more trucks on the road ... we so need more staff ... more funding ... but they won't do it. And in the meantime we are literally working out butts off ... it should be illegal!! crazy!!!

But my weight is good ... that's gotta count for something :p

Does he not get it?

2010-02-04T17:55:00.000-08:00

Ok we've sorted out the peeing thing now ... lol. Fascinating!

Got a txt from Bill last night around 8pm, saying he was P'd off the fact that Lauren wasn't replying to his txts or calling him and that she had demanded what she wanted for Christmas.

I saw red!! Normally I ignore his silly txts, knowing he's been drinking. But I couldn't let this one slide...

Some of my reply went like this ... "you have a cheek to txt me that after everything you have done to her ... look at the big picture buddy. I'm not pushing her to contact you and if she doesn't want contact with you, consider yourself lucky you aren't in jail!"

As expected he got quite snarky at this and I ended up hanging up in his ear, but was proud of myself for keeping calm and not raising my voice through the whole phone call.

He then txt me at 11.30pm as I was about to turn out the lights to say "call me NOW! It's not an option"

and guess what I did? .... turned my phone off and went to sleep

I've not heard from him today. Today I have been on a walk with ChrisH, then we decided to go see the movies 'Precious' ... very good movie altho some of it a bit close to home. Then as I got home my sister knocked on the door, so had a coffee with her ... that's pretty much taken up my day ... and a good day it was!

Ohh and as we speak Lauren is being filmed on Sticky TV. Not sure when it will be aired, but I'll keep you posted. She's doing a kid version of MasterChef ... a bit of fun!

Ignorance is bliss

2010-02-01T11:36:00.000-08:00

Thankyou for your comments Lynda and Lynise... interesting. I went home last night and talked to Malachi about it. He was very matter of fact ... that dad had chest pain and didn't end up being transported to hospital (hmm, not sure I agree that he shouldn't have been transported but anyway, besides the point)

So I'm glad it wasn't a suicide thing. And maybe I did read into his txt incorrectly ... who knows.

Onto much more disgusting things ...

Am I completely ignorant?? Ok, don't answer that yet...

This morning as I was brushing my teeth and Michael was having a shower, I was jiving him about jumping in the shower before me, given I had to go to work soon. He replied with the fact that he was busy farting and peeing. "What???!!!??? you are peeing in my shower????"

I was absolutely horrified!! I asked him "Please, do NOT pee in my shower! That is repulsive! I have to shower in there and don't want to be standing in your pee!!" He thought I was over reacting and making a big deal about nothing. I said it was like me standing in a urinal to take a shower, I don't think so!! He really couldn't see my point and said "If I want to pee in the shower I will pee in it, end of story"

At that point I saw red and went downstairs to shower in a 'non-pee'd in shower' and left for work. All the way to work I kept thinking about how repulsive that was. So decided to do a google search on arrival at work ... and found the following gobsmacking results ...

Apparently ... 100% of men surveyed (taken from a poll of 10,000 people) have admitted to peeing in the shower, with most saying they do it all the time.

and ... 85% of ALL people surveyed (men and women) admit to having done it at least once.

I cannot believe this ... am I just ignorant?? I would NEVER consider doing such a thing ... if I needed to pee I would get out and use the toilet right next to the shower. Afterall, it's me who has to get on my hands and knees to clean that shower!!!!

Ewww ... I am disgusted!! Or is this just a thing that I have to get used to??

Stuff the privacy act!!

2010-01-31T16:06:00.000-08:00

On New Years Eve my phone was flat and I got lazy and decided not to bother charging it. The next morning when I did charge it, a txt came through that was sent 5hrs earlier at 4am from Bill ... a cryptic txt that could have been interpreted as a suicide note. He was thanking everyone who had been good to him over the previous horrible year, and that he was 'going underground'.

As always it got me wound up. It's part of my marriage I was glad to leave behind ... the suicide threats. I read the txt to Michael at the time and he didn't seem to think that it was necesarily a suicide txt, just that he was going to be uncontactable for a bit. Given it was 5hrs later anyway I chose to see it as a feeble cry for attention and put it out of my mind. I found out a few weeks later that he and his girlfriend had split up on Boxing day and Bill had been kicked out, going to stay at his brothers in Pukekohe.

Didn't think anymore of it. I then saw Bill a few more times over the last month while picking/dropping the boys off ... and he seemed happy enough. He was back together with his girlfriend (but not living together) and his girlfriend is 3mths pregnant with his baby.

Then yesterday I saw an officer at work who asked if I'd seen my ex lately. Surprised I said "yeah, why?"
"how is he? did he tell you I'd met him?"
"no!! did he get transported in an ambulance?"
"I can't say anything really, privacy thing and all, but yeah I took him, that's all I can say"
"how long ago?"
"about 4weeks ago"

As I started thinking about it I put 2 and 2 together and knowing the station this guy worked out of was not far from Bill's brothers place. And 4wks ago puts it right on New Years ...

I saw Bill the other day, and he was perfectly fine ... but if he's starting up the whole suicide threat thing again, it's got me thinking about pushing for full custody of all the kids.

Problem is I can't find out any info from work on what happened due to the privacy act. Times like this 'privacy' is crap!! I want/need to know for the protection of my kids!

Any suggestions?

Got my A into G for a walk

2010-01-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

I've had my 4 days off with doing hardly anything ... it's been wonderful. Life has been so crazy lately that to be doing nothing is so nice.

On Wednesday I got a txt from Bill to ask if I wanted the boys for a few days before they went back to school. Bill and the boys have moved to Thames which is a lot closer for me.

So I picked them up on Thursday and they seem very happy. They like their new house in Thames. So it's been a houseful of kids for the past 3 days ... my 4 and Michael's daughter. It's been nice.

We've made use of our cool bbq/slide window in the kitchen and this lovely weather. And last night we went for a late bushwalk to Murphy's bush down the road.

That was the second walk of the day. ChrisH and I met up in the morning for a cool walk, no correction ... HOT walk! lol I'd been promising for ages to get together for walks. And finally got myself sorted, now that shifting is over and done. She took us around the 'easy route' ... yeah right!!! Pfffft!! Uphill for 3.sumthing kms??? easy?? But it was fun, so much easier doing exercise when there's someone to talk to. Made a date for the next walk ... next Friday... cool!

I'm still not in weightloss headspace yet ... it's been over a year since I thought about losing weight. And I'm still the same weight which is nice ... but I really have to get motivated to lose these next 20kgs. Maybe with the walking that might kickstart the head switch.

My boys are going home today which always makes me sad. But happy that I have Malachi (12) with me all the time ... he's such a darling to have around!!

Then off to work tomorrow, in Papakura.

Done and dusted

2010-01-23T14:07:00.000-08:00

The shift went really well. It was raining off and on for the two days we moved but only the last load got a bit wet, nothing that can't be dried out. My dad was lovely and came and helped us with his tandem trailer.

Being a Pastor's daughter, the thought of telling him Michael and I were moving in together was rather daunting. Michael's parents are also christians and are against the whole living together thing. His parent's reaction wasn't too nice. His mum was in tears on the phone and made it quite clear we were pulling the whole families reputation down. While I understood their viewpoint ... marriage just isn't an option for me right now, despite the fact that my divorce doesn't come through till October.

I expected the same reaction from my parents, however pleasantly surprised to see their support. Big load off my shoulders.

Malachi arrived last week to live and we've got his schooling sorted. He'll be going to the same school as Lauren which has around 130 students. She's done really well there and settled in so well. Elena (Michael's daughter) 10yrs, arrived back by plane yesterday after spending a month with her mum, (Michael's ex). She is happy to be home and loves the house. Although we're hearing all the 'lies' his ex has been saying about him/us. Michael got quite upset about it but as I told him, it doesn't matter what she says. We know what the truth is and can hold our heads high. Michael's ex-sister-in-law sent a 'change of address' postcard to us with a whole lot of nasty accusations on it, including how she doesn't know how I could be with someone like him. I find it so hard to believe that a grown adult could be so childish... crazy!! lol I'm not sure what she is trying to achieve. If making me not want to be with Michael is the outcome she wants, it doesn't work. Just makes me think what a nutter bunch of people they are.

Well it's taken me all day doing this update, in between ambulance callouts. No internet at home yet (they've promised tomorrow, so we'll see).

Busy day ahead tomorrow with cleaning my old place so I can get my bond back, then night shift tomorrow night. I'll be so glad when all these bits and pieces are sorted and I can relax again.

Chow
Lyn :)

the big shift

2010-01-19T21:41:00.000-08:00

Crazy busy few days ahead ... so will keeping my head low from here over the next week. We're shifting!!!

Yay!!!

Taking ownership again

2010-01-14T13:21:00.000-08:00

Thankyou for the birthday wishes!!

My actual birthday I spent working, sleeping and working again (nightshifts). But I celebrated it the next night by Michael taking me out to dinner to an indian restaurant up the road. I was lovely!! Spicy hot, but lovely! lol ... infact I still have the ulcers in my mouth to show for it. So nice to have hot spicy food again. Bill could never have anything spicy so any dinners out were always mellow places. And for my birthday Michael bought me a new phone ... yay!! My old one I'd had for 4yrs so it was getting quite tatty and the screen would go blank if I dropped it.

I'm really enjoying being a housewife again. Most of you know my background with Bill (my ex). He ran my home like a military camp and had to be in control of everything... dinner, housework, kids being dressed ... etc. And while at first this sounds good in that I didn't need to worry about being in charge of anything. But after years of this I lost myself. I lost my responsibilities, lost my ownership of anything. Partly why I loved my ambulance work ... I got to be in charge of something again. Eventually I shut down when it came to my home. I didn't put any heart into my home.

And when Lauren and I were living by ourselves, while I was able to organise my home, my heart wasn't there... it was at Michael's. My house was a place to sleep while I wasn't at Michaels or at work.

Since Michael and I have moved in together he has been so lovely in this area. He knows what Bill was like and has 'given me back' my household. Let's me decide what to cook, let's me do the shopping and be in charge of my home. But at the same time he helps me wherever I need/want it. We make dinner together, do the dishes together, housework together, even make the bed together. Sounds soppy doesn't it? lol ... but I love it!!! I love being in charge of something again. I love my man!! He's so good to me!!

The moving has begun

2010-01-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

I'm knackered!!

And just starting work for a nightshift :)

We spent the day at Michael's packing up his house, so that people can start coming through to have a look to rent.

It's amazing how much stuff can be collected over 7yrs!! He seriously needed a couple of moves a few years ago to delete some of it! lol

We got 2 rooms done with 3 to go!! Fortunately he is happy to throw alot of it out. So with that and mowing the huge lawns I am tired now. Hoping I can keep my energy up for the night.

Ohhh and it's my birthday tomorrow ... yay!! I'm actually working nightshift for it, but will celebrate with dinner for two the following night. Have fun everyone!

Exciting times

2010-01-06T12:07:00.000-08:00

Taa Daaa!! finally... an update :p

Still no internet at home, thanks to dodgy telephone lines, but working on it. Anyway I have a moment spare at work so I'm rushing to do this update before the pager goes off again.

What's the goss?? Michael and I are still very happy together, infact as of last week he moved in with me. Yay!!! Beats the 45min commute to his place each time. We spent the last week looking for a bigger place for us to reside in. As of next month I will have both Malachi (12yrs) and Lauren (14) with me. And of course his daughter Elena (10) ... so with Michaels business that he runs from home meant that my poky little place wasn't nearly big enough.

I'm so excited having Malachi come live with me!! I approached Bill 6mths ago about him moving up here. I was given a short blunt reply of "no, that won't be happening". So I left it a month and asked Malachi himself. When Mal replied with "no, sorry mum I want to stay with dad" my heart sank. I always thought that once I got myself set up and standing on my own two feet that one by one I would have the kids come live with me, without any problem. I didn't expect them to not want to. So my option at that stage was to go to court. Something I didn't want to do but started preparing myself for ...

Then out of the blue 2 or 3mths ago Bill rang me to say Malachi had changed his mind and wanted to move up here. It came as a huge pleasant surprise!! So we agreed he would finish his school year in Colville (where his dad was living) and move to Auckland in the holidays. On the 19th Jan is when it all happens, I can't wait!!

In the meantime Bill has been kicked out of his place (he had been living with his girlfriend in Colville, Coromandal for the past 7mths) Aparently his girlfriend started seeing through him and decided enough was enough. I didn't want to know any further details. So Bill has moved to Pukekohe with his brother, which while meaning the younger boys have changed schools again, means that they are only half an hour away from me, instead of 5hrs away.

That brings me up to last week... when Michael and I found the house we want ... yesterday, we got it ... I love it!!! It's so similar to the home Bill and I built that I cried about selling. Almost identical layout, but newer and nicer on the outside!! 4 bedrooms, plus office, almost brand spanking new!! And all the modcons!! I'm so excited! We get the keys on the 21st Jan and will be shifting over the week following. We have 2 houses to move. Michael will be renting his house out over West Auckland. It will be a busy, busy time ... but so exciting!!

Here's some pics ...

On our way back from looking at the house Michael and I called in to see ChrisH. She's gonna be my neighbour once we move (well a couple of blocks away) ... was great to catch up with her again. Hense my inspiration to blog again, thanks to her and Janine. I miss you guys and miss my blogging ... hasn't been an option without internet. So, hopefully if this internet gets up and running again ... I'm back!!

Catchup

2009-07-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

Firstly big apologies for the lack of updates ...

Was talking to Janene tonight who reminded me how long it's actually been.

I'm down to 95kg now in my weightloss. And one more hole down on my belt (hole number 5). Nice to see it dropping again. I was on hole number 2 when I came to Auckland back in September. Hard to believe I've been in Auckland now for nearly a year, time just flies when youre having fun! lol

Don't know what I've been doing new to cause the weight to be going down. Probably less comfort eating for a start ... life is still fantastic for me...

... Michael and I are still very in love. It's so wonderful to have someone around who loves me to bits just because I'm me!! We've been together nearly 4mths now. I moved out of the flat a month ago when my flatmate couldn't deal with Michael's kids visiting and asked me to move on. Michael asked me to move in with him at the time and while I had to think long and hard (as tempting as it was) I decided to get a place of my own for a bit. He lives over the other side of Auckland from me and that would mean moving Lauren from school and I didn't want to do that... she is so happy there. So for now we are still in South Auckland.

We went down to Wanganui/Palmerston North last week to meet Michael's parents, brother, sister and their partners. As nervous as I was there was no need to be ... it went fantastic!! As I arrived there was a card beside my bed from his parents welcoming me to their home... how beautiful!! On Sunday there was a big family get together and it was absolutely lovely seeing a warm and loving family all socialising together. They all made me feel so welcome and we just clicked!! It was like being in my own family again!!

I flew back on Tuesday as I had work the next day while Michael stayed down there till the end of the holidays. So he's been gone nearly 4 days and I'm missing him like crazy!! And vice versa he tells me ... awww what a honey he is!! I see him again on Sunday morning and I can't wait!!!

Ohhh the other small bit of news ... Bill has a new girlfriend and as I'm typing this ... he's PROPOSING TO HER!!!????!!!! Can you believe that?? lol They've been together 2mths! Crazy!! lol ohhh well good on him ... glad to see he's moved on and has stopped bugging me so much.

To summarise .... LIFE IS GOOD VERY GOOD!!

still 'in love' ... feels so good!!!

2009-05-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm very proud to say that after not getting on the scales for nearly 3mths I weighed in at 99.7kg ... yay still below 100kg mark and only 700g gain! And infact I've started getting an influx of comments about my weightloss again so I'm thinking that the bike ride I did around Rarotonga must have turned into a lot of muscle!! lol, here's hoping!

I am still a love sick puppy at the moment!! Michael and I have been together for nearly 2mths now!! Time just flies by!! He is such a darling and totally understands me! He's even gone through PMS with me and is still here!! lol That's gotta say something!!

His daughter is really starting to accept me too and gave me a hug when I arrived at Michael's place last night ... very cute!! And Lauren didn't want to go to youthgroup last thursday, choosing to stay home with Michael and his 2 kids and I. It's so nice to be able to totally relax around someone and have a relationship of giving rather than taking.

I think I have truelly found my Prince!! And so glad I didn't settle for the 'frogs' before him!!

Home at last!!

2009-05-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

I'm back home in the land of the living and in the land of my man!! :D He is so wonderful to me!! He met me at the airport with a beautiful big bunch of flowers and a HUGE smile!! Him, his 2 children, my parents and Lauren were all there to meet me. Very special moment! So ... he has now met my parents and they seemed to get on well. We came back to my apartment for dinner and sat around the table chatting for a couple of hours.

My parents had to head home back to Hamilton that night and then Lauren and I spent the weekend at Michaels. It was absolutely wonderful being there with him again. And so beautiful to see Lauren fit in so well to his family with her and Michael's children getting on so well.

I now have all my photo's uploaded to my online album for all to see. Feel free to have a browse.

And a big welcome to Michael here ... the first male to get an invite ... lol

It's actually nice for him to have access to the last 6yrs of my life and see some of the experiences I've been through.

I love you Michael!! Thankyou so much for being part of my life ... what a special breath of fresh air you are ... and so nice for you to touch base with some of the dearest people

Our story

2009-05-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

Hi again from Raro... we've had a couple of days of rain but from what I hear NZ is freezing cold at the moment so a bit of warm drizzle is still nice!

Some of you wanted to hear about how I met my man ...

His name is Michael and he has been separated for just over a year. I met him on findsomeone.co.nz ... sending him a smile and he sent me a message saying he had seen my profile the day before and was very entreagued. On the second message he sent me he wan't to meet for coffee. I told him no way, was way too soon and that I needed to find out a little more about him first. So a week later after a message to eachother each day we met up for coffee. We talked for a couple of hours and then he said he needed some honest talking ... I looked at him in surprise, not sure what he meant. He told me he felt an instant chemistry, and we talked very easily and had heaps in common... but that he wasn't sure about my weight. I think the look of horror on my face must have said bucketload, because he immediately started to explain himself. He said that it wasn't a problem, but that he'd only been out with 'skinny' girls before. He said he was still very keen on me as he felt so much attraction to me and we'd gotten on so well. Previous to this date we had planned to go out for dinner too, but I shut the date down there and then!! There was no way I was going to let a man talk to me like that. I didn't give a reason why but said we would not be going out for dinner, that I needed to go home!!

So off home I went and cried my eyes out! And my flatmate Lyn did very well at comforting me. I went online for a bit and who should pop up on my msn but Michael. He said he had organised a huge surprise date for me in a couple of days ... Kelly Tarltons, lunch ... the works ...

... I told him that he shouldn't have because I don't date ANYONE who does not accept me for how I am. That yes I may be a few pounds overweight but he had NO RIGHT to mention that on our first coffee together because he had NO IDEA where I have come from or where I've been or where I'm going. And that for his information I have already lost 23kgs!! And getting smaller by the month. And that I'm not losing weight for ANYONE but myself ... especially a guy ... so he can go jump!!! (feeling very proud of myself by this point)

I think I must have shocked him because he took a little bit to reply ... but came back with "wow I know how much I have shot myself in the foot here, I like you so much and I so want to see you again and willing to do anything for another chance! Please accept my invitation, you won't regret it!! Pleeeease???"

I said to him "ok rule number one ... you don't EVER mention my weight again and for your information I may choose to stay the weight I am and I don't want to be with any guy who won't accept that"

He replied with a meek "ok"

So I chose to gave him a second chance and boy did he blow me off my feet ... the complete and utter gentleman, buying me flowers, taking me to Kelly Tarltons, taking me out for lunch then buying dinner and hiring some dvd's. He held my hand after I allowed him to and after a lot of hours together cautiously gave me a kiss goodnight, handed me my flowers and asked if I would be his girlfriend. I think he had redeemed himself ... maybe ... lol

So I accepted and when he said he loved me I told him I couldn't say that yet ... he still needed to show his personality to me first.

We then had 6 dates in 6 days!! We absolutely click!! I love his kids, they love me and yes I have now 3wks later mentioned the L word to him. Everytime we are together he treats me like an absolute lady saying how much he adores every single part of me, smothers me with beautiful words and gifts.

I set the standard that the start that I won't stand for anything but the best and unless he is the best he isn't good enough for me and he has risen to the challenge ... and I love him!

6 more sleeps and I'll be home in his arms again!

Hello from Raro

2009-05-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

I have a wonderful man in my life ... Michael! We've been dating 3wks now and both absolutely head over heals in love ... so nice!!

I'm doing this update from Rarotonga where Lyn (my flatmate) and I are holidaying ... without our men ... we're both lovesick, homesick but loving our time away in paradise!!

Here's a link to the photo album so far ... day 4 today ... 6 days left

Doing updates on the album every couple of days.

See ya ... I'm off to get some more sun!!

Taking a sick day

2009-04-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

Not much else has happened. Went down to Waihi a few days ago to get my furniture. Found out Bill's tumour is not Cancer. He's not dealing with it very well but I don't want to get sucked in to his 'emotional turmoil' so choosing to keep my distance for the meantime.

The boys and Lauren have gone to my grandparents for a weeks holiday all together and I'll join them down there on my first day off work.

Talking of work ... I'm home sick today, I usually only get sick about once a year. Have an upper airway infection, tight chest, barking cough and voice coming and going. Figured I'd stay home and hopefully get ontop of it quicker.

Watched a dvd this morning 'birth' with Nicole Kidman, weird but sad, and I even shed a tear shock horror!!

short and sweet

2009-04-12T07:19:00.000-07:00

I appreciate your comments and agree wholeheartedly. I'm keeping a level head on this ... well trying to. I am not in any way going back to him if this is indeed correct. It's shocked me, definately! But I've been surprisingly calm about it. Regardless of whether its true or not, doesn't change alot in our circumstances ... still going ahead with the current plans I have.

Had a busy night on station tonight which is good, keeping my brain busy (well not good for all the patients I've been to tho)

Bill

2009-04-11T04:44:00.000-07:00

WOW!!

.....

Since I last updated a lot has happened ....

the shop has sold ... gone unconditional, still have a mortgage to pay but don't care about that ...
... it's gone and a big load off our shoulders.

... and for the bombshell ... I found out tonight ... Bill has tumour in his intestines. He's known since I left in September but chose not to tell me. He has buried his head in the sand and didn't want to find out if it is infact cancer or benign.

He was supposed to go for blood tests and scans and didn't go. I've told him tonight to GO!!! Get it sorted!! One thing I have learnt from ambulance is the sooner things get investigated the better the chances.

No matter what someone has done in their past ... cancer is no punishment for ANYONE!!

Looking back on it, he had GI bleeding over a year ago and I told him then to get it investigated at the doctors. His 'beer belly' has grown so big over the last year or so.

Don't know how I feel right now ... mixed emotions ... don't wish that on anyone!!!

The Gentleman

2009-03-31T13:57:00.000-07:00

Yes I definately agree with you Chris. I've learnt there are a lot of slimballs out there. And only time shows us the difference.

The dinner? you ask? ...

I got there early, lol always find myself early, sitting, waiting, getting nervous. Would have been much better if I'd turned up right on time rather than giving myself the chance to think. Anyway my nerves settled down once Steve arrived. He was a complete gentleman and boringly for you guys spend most of the night just talking. He paid for the dinner which I offered to pay for my own but he wouldn't have a bar of it. After dinner we walked around Sylvia Park Mall windowshopping (the Mall was still open but shops closed) then walked me to my car. Gave me a big hug. He's 6ft tall and I must say I've never been hugged by a 6ft tall guy before, lovely! And gave me a sweet kiss and said goodnight. There was no expectation of more from him which was so nice.

Think I'm starting to learn this game a bit more now, recognising if someone's just out for a quick shag. I'm keeping my heart close to me and seeing what happens. Taking it bit by bit.

One thing Steve said to me during the conversation which was a good lightbulb moment ... We shouldn't view past relationships as rejection but protection. Instead of being rejected by someone, we are being protected against being with them... very cool way of thinking of it!

UPDATE: Well it seems this again is not to be. Lucky for me I hadn't put my heart into it. Yep been dumped again. Don't seem to know where I go wrong. Ohh well live and learn... as always ... move on

Went well

2009-03-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

Well ... it went good. Had a nice coffee ... well two coffees. He's much nicer in person than his photo and he told me I had beautiful eyes ... awww :) I'm still not getting my hopes up as I've had guys tell me before they want to see me again and a couple of days later change their mind.

I told him I'd like to see him again and that the ball is in his court now. Wait and see but he seems really nice.

:)

UPDATE - He emailed me and we are going to dinner tomorrow night ... yay!!! This is the first proper date I have been on in over 15yrs ... infact I was talking to Lauren about it and I can count on one hand how many times I have been on a dinner date in my whole life!!! Yay I'm so nervous and excited ... of course still not getting hopes up ... but yay!!!

Ya'd think I'd know by now!!

2009-03-29T02:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I updated so need to keep you all posted...

Weight?? Not really weighing myself much the last week due to TTOM being here and knowing how that plays havoc with my scale results.

I've been in contact with a certain sum1 the past couple of weeks. But I've learnt from previous episodes how this goes now ... I'm an ontoit chic ... previously I've 'fallen' for 'the man' and been hard out txting and calling and showing my interest. This time I've played it cool ... only txting when he txts me, not calling ... letting him call me .. and so far .. I say that touching wood ... it's going well ... I've finally learnt the whole 'he needs to do the chasing thing' and while it's been hard, it's working ... so far ... I've also learnt that I'm not counting my chickens till they hatch!!! ...

... so tomorrow is the day ... 11am in fact ... we meet in person ... and I'm still not doin any counting for a few days later ... that is what I've learnt is the key. They may say on the day (ooohhh that rhymes) that they are keen as mustard but a few days later come clean ...

.... so wish me luck ... who knows ... I haven't thrown my heart into this one (I am actually learning ... Bart Simpson way) ... what will be will be

weighin

2009-03-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

Had a pretty uneventful 4 days off. Got some washing done and housework. Was gonna go down to Hamilton to see Janene and Jo on Sunday night but my previously arranged babysitter piked out on me an hour before I was supposed to leave so had to let Janene know last thing that I couldn't make it. Next time hopefully.

A few frictions in the flat at the moment with one of the flatmates telling me this morning she is moving out. I can understand where she is coming from but trying to keep my head down low and avoid the bullets. Starting to become a bit of a habit getting new flatmates in and having them leave again 2mths later. I've tried to talk to the other flatmate about the issues but not sure if she's accepted it yet. Oh well.

Got on the scales this morning with a result of 99.0kg ... 100g loss. Feel good about that, I'm lighter this week than I was last week, that's what counts.

Thinking about joining a gym just down the road. I was a gym bunny in my early twenties and might be a good time to burn off some of my stress. My daughter has also showed some keenness in going with me so maybe that might be a good way to spend some quality time together doing something possitive. Gonna think about it for the next few days and see if I still feel as possitive about the decision next week.

On the dating front ... keeping it pretty quiet for now. I'm over the whole incident from last week. Don't see the point in mulling over it, need to move on... who0ps pager gone ... cya

Bugger

2009-03-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

Well ... got dumped by txt this morning!!

Not sure where I went wrong on this one and didn't really get any true explanation and certainly didn't see it coming. Time to move on. Think I'm gonna give this dating thing a break for a bit, getting sick of getting my heart broken.

On a positive note, I've put a cute gadget on the top right ... puddytat. Reminds me of my cat 'chino' which is still with Bill. If you put the curser on his tummy he purrs, put the curser down the bottom and tease him, he pounces and eyes go wide, up the top he tries to grab it... very cute!! Have a play!

Well have a good day girls, I'll try to

yaya!!

2009-03-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

Ok Chris I'm confused as to what you were talking about?? lol

Quick update on weighin ... same ... 99.1kg ... happy with that ...

onto more important issues!! haha! ... last night ...

Last minute yesterday morning work decided to reassign me to Mt Wellington station instead of Howick which meant longer time to take to get back home with the lovely Auckland motorway system. The plan was Brett (yep that's his name) was going to try and get all his stuff done on the farm (did I mention he's a dairy farmer in Hamilton?) including milking as quickly as he could, hopefully leaving by 6pm to be up here in Auckland by 7.30ish. He txt me at 5.55pm to say he was in Bombay having a quick coffee ... oh my!!! I hadn't even left work yet!! He was very early!

Fortunately I didn't get a late job (which is very unusual) and the motorway traffic was fantastic (very, very unusual!!) and was home by 6.15pm, in the shower, changed, face put on, smelly perfume etc, etc, etc ... and out the door by 6.45pm ... Brett had just arrived 5mins earlier and was waiting for me by his car.

We'd chosen a local Irish pub to meet at and given it was a Monday night it was very quiet which was nice. Meaning we could sit and chat without too much noise.

We gave eachother a smile and wave as I drove in, both of us instantly recognising eachother (that's a good sign!) and he came and gave me a hug before walking into the pub.

We sat and chatted the night away. Previous he had told me that he couldn't give me total commitment (i.e. call us a couple or start dating) until he had met me and seen if there was a spark there. But promised me he would be honest with me and let me know as soon as possible so we could either move forward or move on. I appreciated his honesty...

... well ... he told me last night that he had 3 people he had to send emails to, to tell them he was sorry but had met the lady of his dreams, and that he would be removing his profile from 'findsomeone' website. And asked me when he could see me again.

He is absolutely lovely!!! I feel like a little teenager again ... he treated me like an absolute princess, paying for everything (not that I expect that) and then as he walked me to my car gave me a small kiss on the lips and a hug. He's not pushy and gives me total respect!!

Ooooooohhhh ... I think I might have found him!!! yay!!! I've told him I'll get back to him when I can come down to Hamilton, that I definately want to, just need to sort out when is best ...

Heheheh!! Somebody liiiiiikes me!!! And I like somebody!!! :)

the suspense is killing me too!!

2009-03-07T18:32:00.000-08:00

Ok I know I'm a tease ...

One sleep to go! I have been in contact with someone who ticks ALL the boxes for me. We have been emailing, txting, chatting on the phone everyday for the past 2 weeks. He's a farmer from Hamilton. He is absolutely lovely!! But ...

there's always a but ...

He has said that he doesn't want to say 'definate' until we meet and see if there is chemistry between us. If there is, he said he will be 100% commited to me and delete his profile off findsomeone and asked if I would do the same ... of course!! was my reply.

So Monday night he is driving up to meet me. We are meeting at a local Irish pub here in Manukau. I'm too scared to say this one is the one because for all I know he may not like me when he sees me ... but it feels good, feels right!! This one I can definately imagine taking home to meet my parents!!

Think I might have ...

2009-03-05T15:20:00.001-08:00

Weight is still 99.1kg this morning ...

It's all a bit hush ... watch this space... I think something might be in the air!!! ... haven't talked about it on here till now because this one is very special to me ... don't want to talk to soon ...

... but ... will let you know Tuesday ...

Bits and bobs

2009-03-02T14:05:00.000-08:00

Well I did the deed and feel very good about it ... I rang 'R' the other morning and told him that while I enjoyed the conversation we had together I didn't feel any spark and wanted to end it. He responded very well (better than I thought) with a reply that he was a big boy and could deal with that, and wished me well. It was all over in a couple of minutes.

I woke up this morning at 6am to the sound of loud banging sound. I got up, went and looked out on the deck but couldn't see anything. I decided that since I was now awake I may as well go hop in the shower and get ready for work. As I got out of the shower I could hear a burgler alarm going and my daughter had told me it had been going since I got in the shower. Next thing I heard sirens and a group of cop cars arrived. They were looking round the back of a group of shops that our apartment looks out over.

On my way to work I drove over to the cops and told them that I heard the banging at 6.10am this morning but didn't see anything. They asked me was I sure I didn't see any cars and unfortunately I hadn't. He told me the gun shop had been robbed. I didn't even know there was a gun shop across the road... scary stuff!! Would be nice to get out of Auckland sometime, not nice!!

I bought a new pair of pants the other day ... size 16's!!! wahoo ... another goal achieved!! My belt buckle on my work pants have gone down another hole ... hole number 4 now (was on hole 1 when I moved up here). And I've started getting comments on my weightloss from people again ... very nice!!!

Well that's about all the news from me today ... pretty uneventful at work which is nice for a change :)

Being real to myself

2009-02-27T14:26:00.000-08:00

Hmmm not sure how I feel at the moment ... in regards to 'R'... he's lovely and treats me well ... but ... I don't feel a spark there. I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. My materialistic side of me says this man could be there to care for me and the kids ... but there's a few twinges I get. The age is the main thing. I'm happy to have an older man but not 22yrs older!!

At the end of the day I had to ask myself would I be happy and proud to take this man home to my parents ... and the answer to that was a definate NO... so there ya go. I've had fun with him and haven't gone any further than a kiss.

So I'll be calling it off, when, how, where ... not quite sure yet. Probably in the next day or so. For today I have the boys up here with me. It's nice to be spending time with them again. I'll be dropping them home this afternoon.

My other piece of excitement!! ...

I'm a double digit girl!!! Weighin today showed up 99.1kgs!! Yay! 900g loss and finally out of those horrible 'hundred' figures!!!

Watching planes

2009-02-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

I was picked up in a brand new red holden commodore and taken out for coffee by my new 'friend' ;)

We chatted at the cafe for an hour then went and watched planes coming in at the airport for another 3hrs!! We talked non-stop and I really enjoyed 'R's company. He's a very intelligent man who knows how to treat a lady (opening doors for me, telling me how stunning I am, gently kissing me goodbye) ...

This man has had an amazing life ... a property developer at the moment but in his past the CEO for Universal Pictures (NZ), a harley owner among other things. His past experiences show in his attitude to life and ability to hold a conversation. Funny thing was a couple of times he would ask me a question and I didn't know the meaning of the words he was using so instead of sounding blonde I would bounce the question back at him so I could get what he was meaning!! lol

My only hesitation at this stage is that he is a lot older than me ... in his 50's ... and I'm not used to that, but at the same time it's nice to have a settled man who knows what he wants out of life and doesn't need to be babysat (alot different to my ex)

I've told him I ultimately want a 'best friend' in a relationship and sex comes a lot later!! MONTHS later!! (possibly) so he knows where I stand on that issue and see where it goes from here. He seemed like a real gentleman ... let's wait and see.

Thanks for all your congrats! I got an email from my tutor today (who wasn't on the panel yesterday) to say congrats and that the interview can be very difficult to pass but that he was told I did extremelly well ... nice feedback!

Life is looking very good!! Long may it last ;)

Very happy ...

2009-02-24T17:08:00.000-08:00

Short post ....

I PASSED!!! I'm now officially an Ambulance Officer ... with a National Diploma in Ambulance Practice.

It was 2hrs of interigation with a panel asking me question after question. It went really well with only two small points I was told I need to work on but that 'I had a very indepth knowledge at Ambulance Officer level and actually slightly higher level of knowledge'

Don't like to gloat ... but yay I passed!!! I passed!!!

alot going on

2009-02-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

Advice taken ... yes I am taking this very slowly and cautously. I'm pretty suspicious when it comes to males and basically he needs to earn my trust. And Jo ... great idea!! Might do a driveby tomorrow arvo after my exam.

And speaking of exam ... I've studied hard and think I know my stuff. Here's just hoping my mind doesn't get stagefright and go blank on the spot.

Basically it's a verbal exam infront of a panel of 3 people. They fire questions at you which you need to answer. And advice given to me from previous people is don't dig yourself in a hole. If you use big words make sure you know what you are talking about. I don't think I'll be using big words, that's probably my biggest downfall, I know all the concepts/drugs/contraindications but don't know the technical words to describe them all. So I'll just be talking simple language I think.

So I do a nightshift tonight and finish at midnight (6pm - midnight) go home get some sleep and into head office by 10am.

To throw a spanner in the works on all of this, in between trying to study and work Bill has been a complete prick, ringing me, hounding me, insulting me, ringing lauren, making her cry ... In one conversation last night (while at work!!!) he told me I need to come get the boys that they want to live with me ... so that's what I'm doing ... As soon as I know if I've passed this exam (which I get my payrise for) I'll have a budget, I'll go see WINZ see what I'm entitled to, look for a house, a school for them, an Au Pair (nanny) and go from there. The sooner I can get him out of my life the better!! (and I say that with a smile!)

As for Mr 'R' ... he's rung me this morning and left a message on my mobile while I was sleeping to say hoping I had a good night working, that I'm a blast to talk to and bloody georgous! lol

He might run a mile when he finds out I am not just a single ex but now have a package deal ... will be a good test huh?

Helped to cheer up my day

2009-02-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

Feeling a whole lot better today ... amazing what a good night sleep does and the fact that the flatmate is out all day!! Thanks for the comments of concern and offers to call.

I think some of it may be tiredness (spent every spare moment studying for these exams next week) and ... not that I want to admit ... PMS ... lol ... damn TTOM!! lol

I like you're straight up attitude Chris ... I so wish I had the gutts you do to tell people what you really think. Something I need to work on.

As for getting a place of my own ... hmmm ... financially not a reality yet. Maybe once I pass these exams (I get a $14,000 payrise) it might be.

But onto happier things .... GUESS WHAT!!!!

I know you must all think I'm a manic depressive!! lol ...

onto manic phase ... I had a guy contact me this morning via 'findsomeone' website. I was online at the time and we exchanged 15 or more messages back and forth. He seemed like a lovely guy but as you can expect I am very cautous with being stung before. Anyway he said if I want to make sure he's for real (with the info he'd given me) he gave me his full name, phone number and address and told me to look it up in the phone book. Yep it's there ...

... well ... turns out he's a property developer who buys leaky homes in St Heliers/Remuera/Kohimarama in central Auckland, fixes them up and sells them on. He lives in a 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 2 lounge, 2 kitchen mansion ... by himself!! After he asked if we could chat on the phone, I gave him my mobile (a little safer, the sceptic in me coming out) and suggested we txt for a bit ... next minute my phone rang!!! He told me he can't/hates txting and would much rather chat. He's a straight shooter which I respect (don't like mind games or sulkers) and he said he nearly fell off his chair when he saw my profile pic as I was so beautiful (hmmm ... yeah whatever I thought) I told him I'm very cautous as I've been stung by men online before. We talked for about 20mins ... his landline to my mobile ... ouchy expensive for him. Then I sent him a reply online to say thanks ... then this after noon he rang me again on my mobile ... he says on his days off he often likes to shoot overseas for 3 or so days ... and that later on down the track if he wanted to whisk me away, once I trust him (haha) how much notice would I need for work? And I said ... like where? ... he replied ... like Fiji or Australia ... OMG I'm thinking ... OMG!! lol I am so not silver spoon material ... I'm a farm girl from a hicktown somewhere out of the boondocks!!!!!

We'll see ... he may turn out to be a dud! But hey I'll enjoy it for now ... Fiji??? I better get this weight off!!!!

can put up with so much and then ...

2009-02-22T01:17:00.000-08:00

I should change my profile pic to something with a sad face but I haven't even got the motivation for that. I'll probably regret this post in the morning and will wake up with a new motivation (here's hoping) .. but .. this is how I am feeling tonight ... and with this blog being private I am hoping this is where I can vent out to.

Tonight I am feeling like shite!!! like I so want a big cry but cant!!!

Am feeling let down by the male species!! Don't know if I can ever trust another male again. The only male I know has hurt me to the core!!! And the one's I don't know have also hurt me by either winning my heart and letting me down or just not trusting me even to get close.

My flatmate (I found out by my daughter tonight) had a big speal to the other flatmate how disappointed she is about the 'state' of the flat tonight with regards to cleaness. Saying she would be embarrased to bring anyone around here at the moment. Now to give a background to this ... I would be happy to bring a film crew in here at the moment to film this place for a magazine!!! Honestly it is the most spick and span place I have ever lived in!! It looks like something out of a magazine!! The upstairs bathroom is a little smelly at the moment but I really think it has something to do with the drainpipes as I clean it every 4 or 5 days but nothing can get rid of the smell. She told me tonight she wants a roster set up to clean it every day!! And I said that's fine.

I really don't think she comprehends what I have been through the last few months!!! She has not been supportive at all!!!! Every time I get home at night she is in her bedroom and I don't expect her to 'be there for me' but honestly... I don't know what else I can do!!!! I don't know what I haven't done! I clean whenever I have a moment and seriously ... don't know what she is talking about ... I can't see a speck of dust!!! I just don't need this at the moment!! My life has turned upside down the last 2mths and don't feel like I have had any support from her. She knows me and Bill and has done for 10yrs so she knows what the big decision this has been for me. It feels like all the converasation has been about her and her 'on again off again bo' and nothing about anything else. It's probably not all her fault as I don't do the 'woe is me' and don't like to concentrate on my 'bad' stuff.

Tonight it feels like I'm not coping ... just don't know what to do, what to say. I just need a big outlet with no where to have it. Things are bottled up and don't know where to let it out!! or how!!!

What am I supposed to do?? How am I supposed to deal with this??? All I hear about is how my flatmate has gone to bed upset about her fling not working out ... I can only keep things supressed for so long. Not everything is about her.

And to top it off ... Bill sent a txt tonight .. "how r u?" ... I'm so sick of being nice to everyone!!!

I have no flat 'mates' ... no boyfriend... no social life ... life is just work, stress homelife ... work, stress homelife, ex.. txting ...

I'll work through this ... just hitting boiler mode ... and an exam next Wednesday!!!! Anything else the big man upstairs wants to send me?????????

Men are from Mars

2009-02-14T16:59:00.000-08:00

Well it was short and sweet ... the so called man of my dreams ended our 2wk relationship by email on valentines day ... I know ... dirty dog he was!!!

I'm sooooo pleased I took it so slow, but in hindsite maybe why he ended it ... he got sick of waiting for a shag!! lol And get this ... he said in the email that unfortunately I was bottom of his priority list ... below his boat!!! But ... he still likes me and would like to get together again, just doesn't know when/where !!!! I don't think so buddy!!!!

Better to know sooner than later and while I was disappointed and fairly pissed off, my heart wasn't broken. He showed his true colours. Certainly finding the male species very untrustworthy at the moment.

Not much else to tell ... ummm foodwise have not been good last 24hrs, but that's ok, Ill bounce back into it again soon.

pic says it all ...

2009-02-13T00:24:00.001-08:00

The new profile pic says it all for me ... I'M HAPPY!!!!

I haven't felt this way ... ever!!!

No one has ever made me feel like the princess I feel like right now. "S" is an absolute darling!! He makes me feel like I'm the only thing in this this world worth living for. I don't think Bill ever treated me this way even back when we first started dating.

I take in everything you have all said and am aware of all of this. I have been very cautous of this new man in my life. I've told him there is no way I'm going anywhere near taking my clothes off for him until he has my trust which will take time ... lots of time!

He knows I'm very newly separated and has told me he is willing to wait. He sent me a lovely txt the other day that my daughter happened to see that had the word 'honey' in it. She said to me "wow I can't believe someone else is calling you 'honey' that is so weird" ... I cautiously chatted to her about it, expecting her to say she didn't feel right about it. But instead she said "Mum you have been the happiest I have ever seen even while you were with dad and if this guy is part of that I am happy for you" awww!!!

I told her not to worry that I wasn't rushing into anything and when she wanted to meet him the other night (he came over for coffee .. and yes coffee ... well no ... tea actually ... but was just chit chat, tea ... and yes a bit of kissing, but THAT'S ALL!! lol) I told her that no I didn't want her to meet him yet. With the sad look in her eyes I told her that I was very protective of my girl, and that this guy had to meet a standard and earn my trust that he was of a standard that was adequit to meet my girl. And that wouldn't be happening for a couple of weeks yet until he passed a few tests.

And so far he has met every test ... but the challenges aren't over yet ...

Blow my mind!!

2009-02-09T23:24:00.000-08:00

Second post in one day??? Wot is up with that?? lol

Have to tell you all ... I met up with Bloke #1 today for coffee ... this is the one that I felt the most connection with so far. He had sent me a pic that was ok ... nothing flash. His pic he had on his profile was from quite a distance and I couldn't really tell what he looked like. And the one he emailed me was taken on his mobile phone.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and meet up with him... as much as I liked his personality I wasn't expecting any true chemical attraction. I sat in the car waiting for him to arrive to the chosen cafe. I recognised his profile as he drove up in his company car. So I approached him as he got out of his car ...

... then it was like a bolt of lightening hit me from above ... oh my friggen goodness ... this guy is an absolute honey!!! We talked non-stop for 1.5hrs!! During which he put his hand on my knee and when I said I had to go he walked me to my car and very gently gave me the most romantic kiss I have ever had, nothing sexual or full on, just a special kiss and hug.

As I drove home on top of the world he txt me "you are an absolute honey!!" followed by many txts all afternoon saying that he was absolutely awestruck by me and wow ... I can't believe it!! I have never had anyone say such beautiful things to me ... EVER!!!

I've told him I still want to take things very slow. He wanted to meet up tonight and I gently told him no, that I want to take it a bit slower than that. To which he replied that he will take all the time in the world for me cuz I'm worth the wait!!

Wowsers is all I can say!!!!

decisions, decisions

2009-02-09T11:23:00.000-08:00

In answer to your question Jules ... I didn't bother replying back to the rude internet guy. I saw a new photo on his profile the next day and he is damn ugly so figure HE is the loser!! not me :)

I've narrowed the selection down and have been communicating back and forth with 3 guys, no commitment from me on any of them yet. I've told all 3 that I want to take things slow and get to know them better first.

Bloke #1 - is average looking, a real sweetie and very romantic. He has told me I can have all the time in the world, he's ready to wait for me ... awww ... he has his own boat and loves fishing and scuba diving. Part time dad of two kids, been married and divorced 6yrs ago. We are up to the stage of txting (no phone calls yet) and has definately won my heart (partially) with his way of making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world... wait and see with this one

Bloke #2 - is below average looking, never been married, no kids, sounds like a quiet reserved type but also has a romantic soft way about him. Loves animals and travel ... only sent message via the site to this guy. As nice as he sounds (personality wise) he doesn't seem to have the 'drive' to 'persue' me ... does that make sense (sounds like I love myself!! lol)

Bloke #3 - has same Christian values as me (quite important, even tho I don't go to church), don't know what he looks like as he hasn't sent a pic yet, is slim and tall, owns his own business, travels round the world, is in the health profession (not sure exactly yet what he does) and lives only a couple of suberbs away. He's never been married and no kids. At this stage we have only communicated via the site.

I guess I want a man who has the desire to win me. At the same time I am willing to give the same persute back when the time is right. Looks is not so important to me, but in saying that I don't want anyone skinny or HUGELY obese ... don't really care about facial looks because their personality is what I have chosen them on. When I met Bill he was 10/10 for looks and look what he turned out like. I need someone this time that doesn't drink so much (social drinker only), is financially secure (doesn't need to be rich), a little older and more grown up (grown out of the niteclub gettin pissed age) and WANTS me!!

So which one? you're asking? lol I don't know yet. Bloke #1 there definately seems to be chemistry there. The first two guys only drink socially and bloke 3 doesn't drink at all. None of them are smokers and all three are financially secure. My thinking is between bloke 1 and bloke 3.

Bloke #1 just txt me to say good morning ... awww so sweet!! Arrrgghh!! I don't know ... will wait and see, not making any commitments to anyone just yet ...

Weighin ... 700g loss and exactly 100.0kg today ... am I ever gonna get below that? lol ... I tried everything to get another 100g off ... sat on the toilet for ages, blew my nose, ran round and round the apartment!! lol ... nope ... 100kg it is!

Onto next weighin ... this 100kg mark is such a mental barrier for me ... time to dig my toes in and get cracking!!

Things we learn about eachother

2009-02-06T15:36:00.000-08:00

Janene tagged me for this ... maybe quite hard to think of things but here goes ...

Rules ...

For this the rules are simple - list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep!

1. Spent 4yrs getting a degree in graphic design, worked in the industry for 6mths and hated it!!

2. Only kissed 3 people in my lifetime (romantically) and only ever had 1 boyfriend (now my ex)

3. Like Janene always wanted to be a midwife (since having kids) and on my ambulance interview 4yrs ago the paramedic interviewing me told me once I did ambulance I would be bored with midwifery. Denied that at first but 4yrs later I have to agree with him now

4. I have done cpr on 5 people in my ambulance career, successfully resusitating 2 of them which is 40% success rate ... the national average of successful resusitations is 8%

5. Looking out my lounge window is a view of the Rainbow's End Rollercoaster and out the side window ... a view of the skytower

6. I'm a Pastor's Daughter who is considered the black sheep of the family

7. I have a coca-cola bottle from the Atlantic Coca-Cola museum (USA) that is still full and unopened from 1994 ... hmmm might be a little too old to drink now :)

8. Had 2 pet possums as a child ... had them both from 3wks old till fully grown and they made very affectionate pets

9. I got chosen to be on a Jenny Craig TV advert which involved a 4mth process of interviews, photos, more interviews, being chosen from over 150 applicants. Was supposed to fly to Australia to start filming the day after I got back from spending 2mths in USA and Bill (my boyfriend but not married) told me he didn't want me to go ... so I pulled out last minute ... things we do for love

10. Used to be part of the Hamilton Bluegrass Band as a vocalist touring the north island on weekends when I was in high school. Always thought I would grow up to be a singer ... not to be

11. (bonus) my daughter sitting next to me didn't know any of these facts about me till now

Feeling good

2009-02-03T18:36:00.000-08:00

Lauren had a fantastic first day and came home excited about the new friends she'd made. She also loves her teacher saying she is the nicest teacher she has ever had. That makes me feel a lot better.

Off to work again tomorrow. This has been the first time I have spent my whole four days off in one place. I go down to see the boys when my days off fall on a weekend. As much as I miss them it is nice to get some me time. Ready to get back to it tomorrow.

My flatmate talked me into joining findsomeone.co.nz a few days ago. My first thought was no it's too soon but after thinking about it I realised that I started grieving for my marriage 3yrs ago when I first left him. I went back not because I loved him but because I couldn't deal with the thought of being on my own.

3yrs later here and now I am happy with the thought of not being married to him. While I don't want to rush into anything as far as a relationship goes it will be nice to go out and have some fun. My daughter was quite sweet in saying to me "Mum, I'm happy for you to go out and get another boyfriend" ... what a darling she is! I told her not to worry that I won't be rushing into anything.

It's all quite a new experience really (not that I have gone out yet) because Bill is the only boyfriend I have ever had!! We met just before I turned 19 and was married 18mths later. I don't have any experience in dating, so I'm taking it very, very slow!!

I've had quite a number of messages and 'smiles' sent to me, all a bit head expanding really. I had to laugh at one of them ... a 50yr old man who wanted someone 'slim and attractive'. I had to reply back that altho I was flattered by his message I did not consider myself 'slim' yet but was working on it. He then had the cheek to ask how old my photo was on the site? (the first photo is 18mths old and other photo 6mths old) and he proceded to say that yes according to my height and weight info that did not catagorise me as 'slim' however even tho he put that, it was not so important for him. BIG X on that message!! The cheek!! No wonder he is still single if he talks about weight and 'slimness' in the first couple of messages he sends. I chose not to reply to his message and hit the delete button, but was tempted to reply that in actual fact 50yrs old is a bit much of a grandpa for me!!!! haha!!

There are another couple of prospects but watch this space ...

Lovely scales!

2009-02-01T13:56:00.000-08:00

Lauren had her first day at school today. There were tears in both of our eyes as I said goodbye to her. I'm sure she'll be fine and all the girls in the class seemed lovely, coming up to say hi to her. All the tears will be gone by this afternoon I'm sure and she'll be chatting away to me about her day.

Hoped on the scales this morning to see ... 100.7kgs!! Wahooo 1.5kgs gone this week!! Very happy result!!

I'm feeling alot happier and am so glad to be back at work again, doing what I love!! Having a job that I'm so passionate about is certainly making my days easier!

I've started researching Au Pairs ... for down the track if/when I have the boys up here with me. Basically they are overseas nannies who live with you and in return get free board, food and $90 - $120 pocket money per week. If the boys come up here I have to get a place of my own (I currently flat with two other females) so will have to see what I can do on my budget. I'm due for a payrise in the next couple of months. It looks like I could do it... one step at a time.

Only 800g to go to get back to double digits ... I'm on fire!!!

Weighin results

2009-01-26T13:04:00.000-08:00

Even with everything going on at the moment I still want to keep my weightloss going... determined to do this.

So I want to keep posting my weighins. Last week I didn't get on the scales with TTOM turning up and the start of everything going on. I still kept on track (apart from a licorice choclog and small packet of chips).

This morning I hesitated before getting on the scales because I didn't 'feel' slim. Isn't it silly how our brains try to tell us whether we have gained or not.

I was so excited to see a weight of 102.2kgs!!! Wasn't expecting a loss like that! Was a positive start to the day after feeling so blah yesterday! Yay! Another 400g gone!!

Thankyou so much ...

2009-01-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

I'm just taking some time out and laying low for a little bit. I really appreciate everyones support and listening ear. I'm not going for good and will keep this blog open but for now just need to work through this on my own.

:)

Back to my old self again

2009-01-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

Quick post ... I'm in between jobs and pager could go off at any mo...

Weighin this morning ... 102.6kg ... 600g loss ... yay happy with that. Brings me back to my 20kg loss mark again.

Feeling much happier today. Thankyou all so much for your comments ... was a highlight of my gloomy couple of days. Don't really know what came over me ... maybe midlife crisis??? lol

Felt blah all day yesterday and blobbed around the apartment, staying in my pj's till just after lunch. Got an early night and feeling back to my normal self today... thank goodness!!

I wonder if some of it was mental/physical burnout ... and with having a rest made all the difference.

Oops gotta go ... cya all!!

It's my party and I'll cry if I wanna!!

2009-01-09T19:29:00.000-08:00

I usually shy away from doing 'woe-is-me' posts as that's not really who I am ...

But today I'm feeling rather lonely and blah!! why??

Cuz it's my birthday and I'm here in Auckland by myself ... all alone ... not even a flatmate to chat with.

I got rung up at 10.15pm last night and asked if I would do a 'recall' which basically means I go to work on one of my days off and get paid time and a half for it. So at the end of the day it means around $200-$300 extra in my pay packet next week. Originally I told him to see if he could find someone else (I was too shy to tell him it was my birthday that day) and Bill was saying in the background "go for it, you can do it" ... so in a moment of weakness I gave in and said yes.

So what that means is that on my birthday ... the one day of the year that I should be celebrating me ... I had to wake up at 3.30am, drive to Auckland, start work at 6am, work my arse off all day at the busiest station in the country ... go back to an empty flat (my flatmates are both away) and sit by myself ... on my birthday!! damn it!!! Not worth going home cuz I have to go back to work in one more day.

The biggest reason I'm feeling sad and lonely today is that my best mate in the whole world (we've been friends and fellow ambulance officers for the past 3yrs) is not speaking to me ... and it's my birthday!! damn it!!! It's a long story and basically she's not mad at me (I don't think) just an awkward moment where a few heated words were spoken. I have tried to make peace, both in person, txt, email and any other way I can think of ...

... I don't think she knows its my birthday ... and I dont really want to tell her cuz then it sounds like I'm trying to make her feel guilty or manipulate her which I'm not.

Any I'm allowed a sad day ... and today is my sad day ... Happy Birthday me :(

short and sweet

2009-01-06T02:36:00.000-08:00

Weighin this morning and 103.2kg ... 400g loss ... happy with that. Not a staggering 2.sumthin kgs I lost last week but hey can't expect miracles like that every week.

Just a short update tonight, doing nightshift, it's 11.45pm and I'm tired with a long part of the night to go. And for those of you who were wondering ... yes even tho I'm at mangere station this week, no I didn't go to that fire. Not on my shift ... lucky, don't like going to jobs like that, not nice, especially when kids are involved.

New flatmate moving in next week. She seems nice enough, no complaints. See what happens.

Nite nite everyone, hope you enjoy your cosy beds, think of me :)

Lyn :)

new truck to play with

2009-01-03T18:58:00.000-08:00

I'm having a fantastic day today. Was a little nervous coming to work as I'm posted at another station that I've never been to before (Mangere Station). But it's going really well. My partner and I are driving one of the brand new Mercedes Benz Ambulances (only a couple of months old) so that's a bit of fun tutuing with all the knobs and gadgets ... yay!! Ohh yeah and also trying to save some lives!! hehe

Had a catchup with a friend on my four days off and hmmm what was supposed to be a couple of drinks ended up being a 3am finish and staying the night and being VERY hungover next day ... but hey is good to do it every once in a while.

Spent the next couple of days sculling water with the huge dehydration I inflicted on myself and was stunned to see after all the water consumed I am still 300g down with another 3 days to go before weigh day. Yay, this plan is really working for me.

Basically I'm doing weightwatchers but taking out the starchy carbs (breads, pasta, rice, potato, chips, cereal) and it seems to be happening for me.

Hmmm ... that's about all the news for today ... thanks for all the encouragement guys :)

what doesnt kill me will make me stronger

2008-12-16T22:12:00.000-08:00

Well I'm not sure if anyone will read this update as it's been so long since I updated my blog. Apologies for that :(

Life is like a whirlwind!! It feels like I just finish one day and onto plans for the next. I'm still loving my work! I thought I loved ambulance work in Waihi but didn't know true satisfaction till the last month. In Waihi I would get heart palpitations every time the pager went off I think mainly from the fact that I was pushed into a leadership role far before I was really ready. I realise now how much that knocked my confidence.

The last couple of weeks I have been working with an advanced paramedic who is so cruzy and discourages any stress yet at the same time has taught me so much!! I'm absolutely loving my work!!

As for commuting back and forth I still find the first night up in Auckland hard, feeling huge amounts of homesickness. Missing my kids bucketloads. Especially when my 6yr old Christmas present (yes early I know) of a trip to Rarotonga in May (my holidays) for 10 days, kid free, stress free, hubby free!! So my best friend and I are off for 10 days of bliss, staying at my sisters bach!! Roll on May!! Now that's gotta be motivation to get down in weight!!

Talking about weight ... to be honest I haven't weighed myself in over a month ... last month weighing in at 103kgs ... not too bad ... still maintaining. But I'm definately not in the weightloss mode at the moment. Guess it's a case of trying to balance life and until everything settles down I can't focus on weightloss. My jeans still fit so I guess that can't be too bad. But I know I can't let it go on for too long, gotta get back to it.

Janene (from Lean Janene) is a huge motivation for me at the moment ... I'm so proud of her! She's a sweetie from within and on the outside. I can't wait to see her transformation ... huggggs chickey!!!

Well that's my update for today, life is still good, still chaotic, still happy with my career path, as challenging as it may be at times. But hurdles are good if it makes us stronger, and stronger I HAVE DEFINATELY BECOME!!!

Satisfaction

2008-10-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

Life is good ... things are still working out well with my four days on, four days off and commuting back and forth between Auckland and Waihi Beach. I find by my last shift on I'm getting pretty tired but recover pretty quickly on my days off. The first day I have a couple of hours sleep in the morning before I leave Auckland, travel to Waihi Beach and keep myself awake and go to bed early, have a good 12hrs sleep and wake up feeling pretty good.

It's bliss having the four days off and I'm finding I'm spending some really good time with Bill and the kids.

The flat in Auckland is still going well. We are all (3 of us) working pretty long hours so we all don't see a huge amount of each other. Infact sometimes I might go 3 days without seeing anyone, quite bizarre. But when we are all together there for dinner we have quite a good social catchup. I think it helps that we're all a bit older in age group and maybe a bit wiser and past the whole 'party mode' era.

My weight has stabalised at the moment and I've stayed the same (102kgs) for the past 3wks give or take 100g. So I'm happy with that.

Got a few more things to catch up on here in Waihi before I head back to the big smoke tomorrow.

I certainly can't complain about anything ... Life is good!!!

Time is so precious!!

2008-09-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

This pic was snapped on my phone camera this morning ... the kids were cracking up because Bill was trying to tickle my bottom with a toi toi flower behind my back as I was snapping the photo!! This photo captures our time together as a family!! I'm loving it!!

A BIG HI to Debbie!! Debbie's sister in law is in the same intake as me in Auckland ... I won't mention her name (ya never know who is reading round the corner) but she's a VERY COOL CHICK!! A real doll!!

I've done two shifts on the road now and it's not as scary as I thought it would be! And everyone around me is so supportive, even tho I am the 'newbie' :)

And yes I have been flopping into bed at the end of my shifts but I'm absolutely LOVING IT!! I still have to pinch myself to think I'm being paid to do something that I've done volunterally for the past 2yrs and love so much!!

I've just finished my first 4 days off and have had a wonderful time with my family. We've been down to the beach, gone for walks and sat and talked ... very cool time!!

I'm back up to Auckland this afternoon for day shifts the next 2 days and 2 night shifts.

And no I wasn't at the stabbing in Auckland last week. I started the very next shift (half an hour later) and it wasn't in the area I was working. (I've had heaps of people ask me that lol)

I finally got on the scales yesterday ... first time in nearly 3 months!!! Wow time goes quick. And I'm not too disappointed ... a gain of 2.4kgs ... could be worse but of course I could have been lighter too!! Water under the bridge. Things are still a little crazy to go back to counting points just yet ... as always I'll get back to it when my world settles down and I get used to this new routine.

I usually find I get a little homesick the first day or so (mainly in the evenings) then my mind gets busy and I come right. Bill said the kids are the opposite, they're fine for the first few days then they start asking when I'm coming home, saying they miss me ... :( That's the hardest part in all of this. But they are coping very well and our time together is precious, and we all treat it as so.

Anyway better get my butt back to Auckland ... so sorry I haven't commented on any blogs lately!! I have just been soo soo busy!! Miss you all!!

I made it to the big city

2008-09-08T22:11:00.000-07:00

I've been in Auckland now for just 2 days and it feels like I've been here forever!! So much has happened in the last two days.

I arrived Sunday night after spending two days in class on my National Diploma in Ambulance Practice course in Thames, so I was knackered. My flatmates had cooked me a lovely dinner, very nice welcome!!

Went to bed for a rough night of tossing and turning, I guess all the anxiety of what tomorrow would bring. Helped a little that I'd rung Bill and the kids earlier in the evening and everything was going well at home.

Woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. So by 5.30am I decided to get up. I had to be in Downtown Auckland at 8.30am and I really didn't know how much time to allow to get there from Manukau with peak hour traffic. Given I wanted half an hour to relax with a coffee once I got there I figured if I left just before 7am I should make good time.

What happened?? I arrived there at 7.20am!!! Over an hour early!!! LOL! Think the guy thought I was a bit over the top keen turning up that early. But much rather be that than the other way round.

As the people started arriving (12 of us in all starting that day), it was good to have a chat and see where everyone else came from.

8.30am came round and first on the agenda?? A test!! Straight into it! Then a little introduction from everyone giving our backgrounds. They then got us to stand in a line side by side and proceeded to repremand each of us on what was wrong with our uniforms. Lucky I escaped that one with a "you're not too bad" but oh boy... felt like I had joined the army, not St John ambulance!!! After bracelets, necklaces, gum removed and name badges straightened, buttons done up properly, jackets zipped up by everyone we were able to move on.

We were then given 1 minute to come up with a 2minute speech on a topic and to speak for not a second less not a second more!! Oh boy!! What had I done??? I was feeling rather homesick by this stage.

The rest of the day was filled with more tests, explanations of what was to happen, what stations we were all going to, rosters etc, etc, etc!!

I arrived home to the flat very tired and brain drained to say the least!

Today I was up at 5.30am to be at Mt Wellington station by 7am start on a driving course. We spend the first 3hrs driving an ambulance through the tiniest and busiest streets of Auckland in peak hour traffic!! Fun!!

Then this afternoon was in class learning more theory about driving. Tomorrow we are out at Whenuapai Base to do backing and ambulance and skidding skills.

Talk about busy ... full on!!! But I'm LOVIN IT!!!! And to think I can be paid to have this much fun!!

A few panic attacks

2008-08-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

I just finished my last Waihi Beach First Responce shift last night and today is my last Waihi Ambulance shift ... sad and exciting all the same.

I'm having a few drinks at the station tonight to celebrate them all getting rid of me, so that should be a bit of fun. Although I found out the other day that the other girl I know (from up the coast) who also applied for Auckland and didn't get in, is going to be at the station tonight doing a shift ... whooopsie!! lol. I told my station manager and she said "who cares?? It's your station not hers, if she wants to be here to do a visitors shift, you have every right to be here too!" Ahh well, she'll get over it I guess.

I had all my medical checks and blood tests the other day. They tested my Blood Pressure (which was a little on the high side, I'm thinking from all the stress and the fact that I've been sick for the last 2weeks), hearing test, vision test and immunity status for things like Mumps, rebella, Hep C etc.

I've been having dreams the last week which makes me think I'm a little nervous about this move to Auckland. One where I can't find my car on my first day, then work out it's a campervan which only goes 50kms/hr, so means I'm going to be late, then the road turns into a dirt track, then eventually becomes a deadend and I can't make it there.... stress?? ... um yep think I'm a little stressed.

But deep down I know this is a good move for me and one that will improve my self esteem, confidence, and ambulance skills. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there.

I go up to Auckland on Sunday/Monday to sort out my flat, get spare key, find out where my station is, parking etc.

Then I have a week off from ambulance, spend some time with the family. On Saturday (6th Sept) I go to Thames for a 2 day course (for ambulance), then up to Auckland Sunday night for my first shift Monday morning (8th Sept)

Deep breath Lyn, it will all be fine!!!

the pieces are coming together

2008-08-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Wow it's overwhelming to read all your lovely comments!! Thankyou so much!!

Although I didn't think I was too phased about the fact that I hadn't organised anywhere to stay in Auckland yet, subconsiously I think it was playing on my brain.

I had a couple of options up my sleeve but they all had a little tweaky thing that didn't make it 100% suitable.

Here was my criteria ...

needed to be close to the motorway for easy access wherever I might be put for that day
needed to be more south auckland than anywhere else, for closer commuting home and I know the layout of south auckland better given we lived there for 7yrs
wanted a quiet household where I could easily sleep during the day when on night shift
no kids
no party house
no lawns to mow
reasonable rent
off street parking for my car
secure area given I would be coming and going all hours of the day and night
friendly flatmates who I could relax around

Option One ... Had been offered a place with an ambo friend who lived out at Kawakawa bay. She's a lovely lady and they are a retired couple but it was so far out of Auckland (35mins on a good day)

Option Two ... My cousin and his wife have just moved to Auckland in Onehunga. While I get on really well with them she is pregnant due to give birth in October and they have a big barking dog. I could see myself having sleeping issues there.

Option Three ... Sandybee from on here said she had a friend looking for a housemate but was located a little off the motorway and more east auckland than south.

I really wasn't sure which of these options to pursue. Last week I rang a really good friend of mine (who I worked with for 5yrs at The Warehouse in Manukau). She was sooo excited when I told her I was going to be coming back to Auckland. "You HAVE to come live with me!!!" She said. Turns out her and her flatmate had said the week before they wanted to get another flatmate in. They live in a 3 bedroom 2 storey townhouse (only 3yrs old) right in the centre of Manukau City ... 500mtrs off the motorway.

I have a double room for $150 a week which includes rent, power, phone, internet, off street carpark, as many toll calls as I want (she's on a flat rate call plan) and she and her flatmate are in their 40's, with no kids and not into frequent parties. They both work full time so will have the place to myself during the days (when I'm doing nightshift). And we get on like a house on fire!!!

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!! As soon as it was confirmed that's where I'll be living it was like a huge weight came off my shoulders!! Made me realise how stressed I actually was about it.

I can't wait to catchup with her again... it's all fitting in perfectly!!!

IT GOT IT!!!!!

2008-08-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

The phone rang ... and I just knew!!! So I wasn't surprised when I heard the voice on the other end introducing himself from Auckland Ambulance Head Quarters ...

"Congratulations! ... " I don't remember the rest of the conversation!! I am absolutely flabagastered, jumpin jimbo fantastically excitedly ... ecstatic!!!!!! I GOT THE JOB!!! WAHOOO I GOT THE FRIGGEN JOB!!! I can't believe after doing just under 3000 volunteer hours last year that I'm finally going to be paid to do the job I LOVE!!!!!!

WAFRAHIIGIN HOOOOOOO!!!!!

For the minor details .... start date 8 September, where? South Auckland, staying with a friend until I can find myself a good flat/boarding place, commuting back home on my days off ... 2 night shifts, 2 day shifts and 4 days off.

I'm a paid ambewance owfiser, I'm a paid ambewance owfiser, I'm a paid ambewance owfiser!!!! Heheh!!!!

nail biting stuff

2008-08-04T18:14:00.000-07:00

Thankyou all so much for your support!! It means so much!

I haven't got much more to say but since it's been nearly a week since my last update I thought I'll keep you all posted as to what's happening ...

So what's happening?? lol ... nothing!! lol

I'm still waiting to hear back whether I got the job. I was told 2 weeks before I'd know and it has only been one week ... so I just sit and wait, and wait, and wait... nails getting shorter and shorter (no I'm just kidding, I'm not a nail biter)

I'll certainly keep you posted as soon as I know anything!!!

Glad it's over!!

2008-07-30T01:57:00.000-07:00

Lucky!!! I made the decision a week ago to go up the night before and stay in a motel room!!! I got to Auckland and settled into my room, turned on the news to see that the Kaurangahake Gorge was CLOSED!!! (due to heavy rain, flooding and slips!!) If I hadn't have gone up early I wouldn't have made it in time!!

Feeling quite alone in my room I set out to Silvia Park Mall for dinner and to buy a few bits and pieces I hadn't got (an exercise top and breakie/lunch for the next day). I got told to eat carbs for my dinner meal before. Given I hadn't eaten carbs for the last 28 days I was a bit nervous at choosing a pasta meal. My tummy groaned for a bit afterwards but was fine.

I didn't sleep well waking up every hour from 3am onwards. At 6am I was up and having a shower making sure I didn't wet my hair (that had been straightened) or my ankle (that had been strapped just in case) so was a very tricky shower.

I left the motel room at 7.20am and made it to Head Quarters at 7.25am (35mins early). Much rather to be early than late. The rain was horrendous!! First up was a group Team exercise and fortunately was with a really great bunch who all worked well together. The comment was made afterwards how well we worked together (which was the whole point of the exercise) Check one done!!

We then went on a rotational basis for our next 5 assessments. First up for me?? THE PHYSICAL!!! Two of us were doing it together and with me was a huge 6ft guy!! Stretches (including the one I was nervous about putting one arm over my shoulder the other under and touching) done!!! Phew!! Step ups?? DONE!! Carry chairing a 70kg dummy up and down 3 flights of stairs twice!! DONE!! (harder than I thought it would be) Pressups?? DONE!! (and done easy thanks to my training) Walk around the block carrying 4 pieces of equipment??? Given I was with a 6ft guy I had to take 2 steps for every one of his which made me push myself a whole lot harder ... DONE!! And 30 secs UNDERTIME!!! I was so happy to have the physical out of the way ... AND PASSED!! YEEE HAHHHH!!!

Next ... My formal interview ... I answered my best. It was none of the questions I thought it would be but they commented on a lot of answers what a good answer that was and finished off how good it was that I gave so many examples of situations I had been in. They couldn't believe that I was a full time volunteer that didn't get paid!!

Next ... a 40minute drive on the motorway and around the suberbs. I nearly didn't completely stop at a stop sign because I was too busy chatting to the assessor but realised just in time!! Phew!!! Passed!!!

Then map reading exam ... yay another passed!!

Then the clinical ... 40mins of questions assessing my medical knowledge. There was only one question I struggled on which I got ... eventually. Thankfully the assessor gave me the time to think about it. He said at the end that I was the best he had in this intake of people ... another yay!!!

Then a psycho analysis ... just answered the best I could and no way of telling how I did on that one.

It was a full on day of intense assessments!!! But at the end of it I really felt I did the best I possibly could!! I gave 100 percent and wouldn't change a thing!!!

Now I have 2 weeks of waiting for the outcome. If I get accepted I have a start date of early September which is just over 4wks away!!

I was absolutely buzzing on my way home ... a good days hard work!! As I was driving home the first news report said the gorge was still closed!! I only had 1/4 tank of gas left just out of Paeroa ... if it was still closed I would have to go all the way down to Matamata, over the Kaimai's to Tauranga and home ... an extra 1.5hrs on my journey. Lucky the gas station at Paeroa was still open as I came through so I filled up. The guy there told me that he thought the gorge had just opened but wasn't sure. So I took the chance and YES fortunately it had just opened as I came through ...

... home!! Finally!!! And glad to be so!! What a day ... but a happy day!!!

Here we goooo!!!

2008-07-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

TOMORROW IS THE DAY!!! The day I go to Auckland, stay the night and have my interview first thing in the morning. I have to be at Head Quarters at 8am sharp! I've managed to get a room to stay just down the road from there and I'm really nervous already!!!

I've been given advice from EVERYBODY!! And I've decided that I can't do any more now for my interview. If I don't make the grade now then I never will. For the past 28 days I have dieted, walked my butt off, done hundreds of pressups, step ups, crunchies, studied and memorised my proceedures, practiced and practiced my questioning of a sick patient, practiced my answering of interview questions, practiced my cpr and practiced my mapreading ...

... and now I'm over it!! I'm practiced out! I'm dieted out! I'm exercised out!! For the next 36hrs I will do nothing ... no I correct that ... I'm doing one more walk tonight and then NOTHING!!

I have a list of things to pack and a list of things still to do ... including getting my hair done tomorrow, sorting my exercise outfit out, getting my ankle strapped by my physio and packing my bag.

I'M SO NERVOUS!!! Let's hope I can get these nerves under control by Wednesday morning!!

Oh and by the way ... weighin I was exactly the same again ... 99.8kg

Waiting Game

2008-07-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

I got home on Thursday night, excited that the next day was D Day!! The day we would get the phone call whether our sale had gone unconditional ....

... sadly I got home to news from Bill that the agent had rang to say the buyers wanted more time to think about it. I was so angry I burst into tears!! How could this be?? Everything was going to plan so well!! I felt mucked around. Either it was yay or nay ... not a maybe, maybe not!!! It doesn't give me a good feeling.

I spent the night crying, and everytime I woke during the night, hoping it was all a bad dream the realisation that it wasn't a dream but reality sent me into another episode of crying.

Initially I was going to pull of my ambo shift on Friday but made the decision to carry on, knowing that sitting at home thinking about it all, would only make me worse.

So I turned up for duty on Friday with red, puffy eyes. My duty officer that day was very caring and listened to my blabbering, trying to add words of comfort.

Friday night was our ambulance awards dinner and I promised myself I wouldn't be focusing on the shop but enjoy myself, concentrating on my enjoyment of ambulance service.

We had a great night and I managed to keep my mind away from the disappointing news. Than an exciting unexpected thing happened ...

... I won the top award ... "Ambulance Officer of the Year" complete with certificate and trophy cup!! Yay!!!

And as far as my weighin ... I stayed the same this week ... which I'm ok about.

Now we continue to wait ... I HATE WAITING!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!

2008-07-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

OHHH MY WEEK JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER!!!

Official weighin today .... At 5.50am getting up and ready for ambo duty today I hoped on the scales and my eyes jumped out of my scull like a cartoon character!!!

99.8kg!!!!!!

Can you believe it???? I'm struggling to .... I'M IN DOUBLE DIGITS!!!! FINALLY!!! After 18mths I'm finally under 100kgs!!! Ohhhhh those numbers looked so beautiful today!! I was dancing round the room singing 99.8 ... I'm 99.8 ... 99.8 ... I'm 99.8!!! While Bill trying to sleep grumbled at me ... I didn't care ... I'm 99.8!!!!

So in one week I lost 5kgs!!!!! exactly!! 104.8kg I was last Thursday. I've never lost that much weight in one week!!!! Shows what complete determination can achieve!!! And this is the most determined I've EVER been to lose weight!

And to top it off I was talking to the First Aid tutor here at the station this morning who lives in Auckland (there's a First Aid course being held at the station today) and we got talking about my Auckland application and she said if you need a place to stay on your days up there come stay with us. Absolutely perfect!!! She's with St Johns so she understands my work, they're a retired couple (so no late night parties to keep me awake) with no kids at home in a 4 bedroom house and they both work during the day (so I can sleep when I need to after night shift) and they were looking for a border!!! I can't believe it!! Fantastic!! Ohh and she's on a weightloss program too so no temptations!! She just has to go home to talk it over with hubby but she said she thinks it will work out perfectly!!! And she's a sweetie!!!

Ohhhh this is all just perfect!!!!! Doin the 90's girl jig today I tell ya!!!

You wouldn't believe it!!

2008-07-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

And I thought things were looking great when I did my last post .... since then ...

I got a phone call on the ambulance from my station manager on Thursday to say someone from Auckland was trying to contact me and gave me his details ...

It was the Auckland job application ... I was so nervous making the phone call back to him ...

My ambo partner was quietly squeeling in the background ... she had to pull over she was beside herself ...

"Congratulations!! you have been shortlisted for your Auckland job application! We were inundated with hundreds of applications and well done you've made it to the final 20! Congrats!!" He started ...

I had to take a deep breath ... I couldn't believe it!!!!

He then proceeded to tell me about the 8hr interview I'll be having on the 30th July ... yep you read right .... 8 hours!!!!! I have to be at Mt Wellington HQ at 8am and it's over at 5pm!! Ohh my friggen goodness!!!

Here's whats involved ...

- a 45minute driving exam in an ambulance, both suburbian and motorway
- map reading exam
- group lateral thinking scenario and individual assessment afterwards
- literacy exam
- clinical exam
- resusitation scenario
- phsyco and ethical analysis

and ....

A 45 MINUTE PHYSICAL!!! including a 1km run with 20kgs worth of gear to carry, 25 pressups in 1 minute, 45 situps in one minute, 45 step ups, and a whole lot more stuff ...

I got off the phone and the other officer (who calls a spade a spade) says "Right you have some phone calls to make ... ring Bill, now ring Pauline (my station manager) ... now listen ... you have 28 days left ... you have to pull your finger out of your ass and get out there walking and exercising and get back into losing some major weight girl!!! You have to do this, you are too good to miss out on this opportunity because of your fitness ... get out there and do it!!! Sorry to be so blunt but you know me I tell it like it is and someone has to say it.

I actually wasn't offended at all and thanked her for her honesty. She was exactly right!! It was the exact thing I needed to kick my ass into gear!

So I've put myself on a very strict regime for 28 days ... no starchy carbs at all!! Meat and vege for dinner and a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, snacks of fruit and 2 bottles of water. 30mins (at least) of exercise 6 days a week. I'm not a huge fan of protein shakes long term but I have to think about it like a body building working up to a competition ... I have to go hard and whatever works I HAVE to do ... I haven't got time to muck around ... I have 28 days!!! That's it!!

Here's my weights so far (have been weighing daily)

Thurs - 104.8kg
Friday - 103.6kg
Saturday - 102.7kg
Sunday - 101.5kg
Today - 100.9kg

Nearly 4kgs in 4 days!! ... I know I won't be able to keep losing at that rate ... but boy I have to do my damned best!!! I soooo want this job!!!!

Ohhh and Kathryn ... yes I would be very interested to find out more about that boarding opportunity!! I don't know (if I get the job) which station I'll be at and which area of Auckland but if you could get back to me with where they live for a start ...

I'm sooooo excited ... and nervous!!!

One door closes, another opens ...

2008-06-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I was wrong. I imagined Bruce's funeral to be a bundle of nerves and stress for us all, but it all went really well. We had a lot more people come than expected with the last few in the hall having to stand at the back.

It was a simple ceremony with the minister opening, Bill giving a eulogy and then the floor opened up for anyone to speak and tell of their stories of Bruce. And heaps of people came forward to say their bit. There must have been over 20 people speak in the end. We had laughs and lots and lots of tears and everyone left remembering what an amazing guy he was. Some who took life by the horns and lived it without boundaries. It was sweet seeing grown men in absolute tears for a mate who they loved and respected.

The last of the family went home today so it's just us again. Back to peace and quiet with no screaming kids or screaming adults for that matter. Although in saying that it was really neat catching up with all the cuzzies again.

Turns out the job I applied for at the lab (admin one) probably won't eventuate. They've decided they can get away without employing anyone now. Ahhh well.

A few days ago I learnt that the casual ambulance officer position probably wasn't going to happen for exactly the same reason. But I had a strange peace about it all. I know something will come up.

Then yesterday my boss at the station called me aside to say that the RSO (my boss's boss) was so impressed with my work on the road that he rang his boss (who employs the casuals) to put in an excellent word for me and persuade him to employ me and all without my knowing. I was blown away!! I've been told I should hear back in the next couple of weeks on that.

I also had it suggested by my station manager to apply for Auckland. They are currently taking on officers. In the past I've always shyed away from this knowing they are run off their feet. It's a hectic place up there, but in saying that I know that it would be good for me. It means putting myself way out of my comfort zone but deep down I know it will sharpen my skills and confidence on the road.

So yes you guessed it, I've put my application in for Auckland. I can hear all your questions now ... but where will you live? are you moving back to Auckland? What about Bill and the kids?? The kids are happy here in Waihi and very settled. If I get the Auckland job it's a 4 day on four off roster, so I'll find myself a flat or boarding place up there, Bill and the kids will stay in Waihi and then I'll come back home to Waihi on my days off. My long term plan (if I get this job) is to get my skills up and a good look on my cv for when the new officer position comes available back in Waihi (in around a year to eighteen months). We'll wait and see, don't even know if I'll get a look in for the job... ambo jobs are very very hard to get (so I've learnt)

The shop sale is going as planned so far. Still have to wait for it to go unconditional in a couple of weeks time, but everything looks good so far.

We've found ourselves a place to rent in Waihi. It's still being built at the moment and will be ready a week or so after we move from here, so might mean going on a little holiday first maybe. It's a brand new brick and tile 3 bedroom place with ensuite, heatpump, new carpet, new kitchen ... thank god!!! We have lived in grotty little holes since moving from our new house in Auckland. To have a place that doesn't have the wind whistle threw when all the doors and windows are shut, a place that actually looks clean once it's been cleaned, a place with a front door (not a back coridoor from the back of a shop as the front entrance), a place to call HOME!!! Our current house is not a home, sure we have our furniture there but it is just accomodation. So to have something brand spanking new ... yay!!!